The 10 Worst Team Names
published May 27, 2009
Time Magazine recently did an article the 10 worst team names. I found this list to be quite terrible. For one, they only did college teams. Second of all, they've got this horrible habit of making you click 'NEXT" 10 times, one per rank. Don't get me started on the 100 clicks you have to do with their top 100 lists, which are also interrupted by full page ads. This inspired me to do my own 10 worst team list, and I looked no further than the NHL, the NBA and the NFL (MLB lucked out).
#10 - Carolina Hurricanes - This is actually a good name in the sense of a team name that intimidates the opponents. However in this sensitive post-Katrina world we live in, the word 'hurricane' can instill emotion in many people. Maybe eventually people will get over the hurricane sensitivity, but it's unlikely, because they're going to slam the gulf coast like the Oilers in 7 games. Imagine if New Orleans had a hockey team.
Carolina Hurricanes vs. The New Orleans Levee's
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The Hurricanes devastate their opponents. |
#9 - St. Louis Blues - How scary. A melancholy genre of music, embodied by grown men figure skating on ice with sticks. Only really old black men (acceptable), and young white hipsters trying to show chicks how open minded they are (unacceptable) enjoy the Blues. I will admit, After watching Black Snake Moan, I found myself enjoying the Blues a bit, with the soulful singing and hardcore twanging. Of course, with Christina Ricci's behavior in that movie, I probably would even enjoy Gwen Stefani. Bit I digress, at least the Blues are slightly more enjoyable than the following team name.
 Not sure exactly how this picture works, but hot damn!
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#8 - Utah Jazz - And a genre of music that's worse than the blues. To be fair, they did originate in New Orleans, and "New Orleans Jazz" makes far more sense than "Utah Jazz." Unfortunately, music from Utah would be horrific gospel - and not the upbeat kind. I'd imagine that when the "Utah Jazz" head to Sacramento, they sing the following song.
? Soon and very soon, we are going to see the Kings. ?
? Soon and very soon, we are going to see the Kings . ?
? Soon and very soon, we are going to see the Kings . ?
? Hallelujah! Hallelujah! We're going to see the Kings. ?
I can think of one genre worse than Jazz and slow Mormon gospel. Can you imagine if the Clippers got renamed to....
THE WEST HOLLYWOOD SHOW TUNES!
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And yes that is everyone's favorite homophobe, Tim Hardaway, in a Show Tunes jersey.
#7 - Dallas Mavericks - I learned to really despise the word "Maverick." during last years elections. Especially when Sarah Palin would repeat "Team of Mavericks" over and over and over again. Of course the Lefties threw a fit because a 'team' of 'Mavericks' is an oxymoron, right? WRONG! The Dallas Mavericks is a basketball team full of Mavericks! A real life, living, breathing team of Mavericks! They're certainly not unbranded calf's or steers that have wandered too far from the flock.
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Now -that's- a team of Mavericks. God I love Photoshop.
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#6 - Ottawa Senators - While we're on politics, can someone tell me why "Senators" is a team name? There was a baseball team called the Senators once upon a time, but baseball was smart enough to dump it. Or at least they moved to Minnesota to become the Twins (just barely missed this list). There is nothing physically menacing about old white haired men who can barely lift a cane. Actually, the Twins probably should've named themselves the Minnesota Governors! A team full of Jesse "The Body" Ventura's! Now that's physically menacing!
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Uhh... picture unrelated.
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#5 - Nashville Predators - You can thank NBC's "Dateline - To Catch a Predator" for this one. Not only is this team filled with pedophiles and child molestors, but they're from Nashville . It's a darn shame too, because before Chris Hanson, Predators were bad-ass Aliens with crazy-ass weapons that collected skeletons of various species for their trophy collections. I wonder if The Nashville Predators hold Youth Clinics. "Mommy, mommy, can a real Nashville Predator teach me to play hockey?"
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Click on the picture for the episode where Chris Hanson catches the Predator!
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#4 - Denver Nuggets - This one is a shame, since I actually am a Denver Nuggets fan. I know they were probably referencing 'gold' nuggets. However, the connotation I get is 'dingleberry'. That's right, the Denver Nuggets are named after that annoying little round turd that won't flush down the toilet. At best they are Chicken Nuggets. Hell, calling someone a nugget is fairly insulting.
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R.I.P. Owen "I'm not a nugget" Hart.
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#3 - Green Bay Packers - I'll sum up why this is a bad name with one picture.
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Priceless.
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#2 - Memphis Grizzlies - A few years back when I was but a young adult who just discovered the wonders of youtube, I was told about a hilarious video of a bear in the wild, playing with his junk. So like a fool, I did a google search for "Masturbating Bear," and then "Gay Bear." This was a terrible idea. I was led to sites that forever scarred me, and it is for this reason I place the Grizzlies at #2. Even huge fat homosexual men need lovin, and this is a whole basketball team full of em! Here's a video of the Grizzlies in action (SFW).
#1 - Chicago Blackhawks - This leads us to the worst name in sports. This is the team that Mike Roch plays for. Among his teammates, Hugh Jass, Mike Litoris, Ben Dover, Dixie Normus, Phil McCracken, Barry McKockner, Oliver Closov etc... etc... Yes Blackhawks is a very unfortunate name. You could also make the argument that Lexington Steele, Mandingo, and Mr. Marcus are star players on the Blackhawks. Yes, you pervert, you know damn well who they are. And those, my friends, are the worst names in the 4 major sports.
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And here is a Pink Hawk.
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