Top Ten Douchebag Cockblockers in Movies
published June 30, 2009
The cockblocking douchebag is an exceptionally coveted role by actors in Hollywood. They have the unsympathetic role of playing the guy that everyone has to hate. They are the barrier that prevents the protagonist from getting the girl, and they do it with exceptional douchebag fashion. Here are what I consider to be the top ten cockblocking douchebags in cinema!
#10 - Fernand in Count of Monte Cristo - The ultimate story of revenge. Edmond Dontes (Jim Caviezel) has everything going for him, but his best friend Fernand (Guy Pearce) wants his girl for himself. So poor Dontes goes off to prison for many years, while Fernand marries his girl. This is truly a pro act of douchbaggery and cockblocking. Dontes gets his satisfying revenge eventually.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "Well, aren't you a piece of work? So he's the bastard son of a dead traitor?" Fernand talking about Edmond's son.
#9 - Luke in Star Wars Trilogy - Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is the swarthy smuggler we all know and love. All he wants is to break off a piece of some princess. That little douchebag Jedi wannabe is in his way. In a tortured moment, Leia (Carrie Fisher) kisses Luke (Mark Hamil) telling Han "I guess you just don't know much about women." Ouch. Lucky for him, Luke and Leia turn out to be brother and sister, and Han gets him some scruffy looking nerf to herd.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "Take care of yourself Han. I guess that's what you're best at isn't it?" -Luke
#8 - Lloyd Christmas in Dumb & Dumber - Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) innocently gets the hots for Mary Swanson (Lauren Holly). This is however the same Mary Swanson that Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) is lusting for. After a "good luck toast," Harry is dosed with Turbo Lax and stuck in Mary's house, with horrific diarrhea. An ingenius plot to cockblock his good friend! Mary's kidnapped husband however is the true cockblock.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "To my friend Harry - the matchmaker." -Lloyd as he cheers's Harry's Turbo Lax
#7 - Harry Osborne in Spiderman - Poor Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is madly in love with Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst). Problem is, Mary Jane gets around. That includes dating Peters best buddy Harry Osborn (James Franco). They play it off with the "We were going to tell you" crap, but for poor Peter Parker - it is nothing but pure cockblocking douchebaggery.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "I did you what failed to do. I was there for her. Mary Jane and I, we understand each other." -Harry Osborne
#6 - Karl Bruner in Ghost - This could go either way, as the ghost of Sam Wheat (Patrick Swayze) effectively cockblocks Karl Bruner (Toiny Goldwyn) when he tries to get it on with Sam's squeeze (Demi Moore). Karl Bruner is however far more douchey, so he gets the nod as the douchebag with his elaborate scheme to boink Demi Moore. Sam does get a moment to make out with his squeeze, except that it's Whoopi Goldberg.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "I swear to God, I'll kill her." -Karl Bruner
#5 - Tom in Major League - Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger) is a washed up Major league catcher who screwed it up with his one time wife (Rene Russo). When he tries to go after her - BAM - cockblock galore by her new douchebag fiancee, Tom. What happens next is one of the most uncomfortable moments in cinema. Jake Taylor eventually wins the girl and Tom is nowhere to be seen. (My bet is that he went off to cockblock some other blokes).
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "Stay away from her." - Tom
#4 - Jeff Bridges and Adrian Brody in both King King movies - The poor ape has been cockblocked a few times. All he wants is some jungle lovin from the slender beautiful white lady (Jessica Lange and Naomi Watts). But no, she has to be in love with the damn human cockblockin douchbag! (Jeff Bridges and Adrian Brody). The damn clockblocking douchebags have help from planes with big guns that shoot poor Kong. If it weren't for them planes, mighty Kong would be raising some little blonde kongs.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "Apes are highly territorial. He's probably gonna take her back to his turf." - Jack Prescott
#3 - Cyclops in X-Men - Red is the color of passion and unabridled lust. It's also the color of Jean Grey's (Famke Janssen) hair, and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) wants a piece. Problem is, Jean Grey has this douchebag boyfriend, Cyclops (James Marsden). James Marsden was the same guy who cockblocks the new Superman from Lois Lane. This guy is seriously made to be a cockblocking douchebag, and does it magnificently in X-Men.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "It must burn you up that a boy like me saved your life, huh? Gotta be careful. I might not be there next time. Oh, and Logan - stay away from my girl." -Cyclops
#2 - Sack in Wedding Crashers - 'Sack' Lodge (Bradley Cooper) has to be one of the most ultimate cockblocking douchebags ever. He is fantastic in keeping John (Owen Wilson) from his fiancee Claire (Rachel McAdams). This turns out to be quite a duel for the charms of Claire, and just when you think Sack wins, John shows up at the alter and gets the girl.
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don't you go get me a 7Up, ok? All right, 'cause I think I might get vulnerable again." -Sack
#1 - Darryl in Coming to America - Of course we leave the ultimate cockblocking douchebag to Darryl (Eriq La Salle) in Coming to America. He's such a good douchebag, I found myself rooting for him! Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) has to go through this formidable force to win the heart of Lisa (Shari Headley).
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Cockblocking Douchebag Quote: "Wearing clothes must be a new experience for you." -Darryl
Bonus Douchebag Quote:"So, what do you people play in Africa? Chase the monkey?" - Darryl
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