Presidential Facial Hair

published July 28, 2009

There has been a disturbing trend coming straight from the highest level of the executive branch. We're are fast approaching 100 years of presidents with no badass facial hair. Not since Taft have we even seen any facial hair at all, not even sideburns! The vast majority of badass presidential facial hair came from the late 1800s. Some of the earlier presidents had some sideburns, but not terribly much. Here we will show you the evolution and extincition of presidential facial hair.

The Horseshoe - The early founding fathers seemed to love this style. It involved balding almost to the apex of their skull, and a horseshoe going all the way down the sideburns. This helped focus the psychic powers of our founding fathers, much like the parabola inside a flashlight focusing the light.

Horns of Valhalla - John Quincy Adams had a dilemma. He was too bald for the Horseshoe. He decided to thicken the sideburns a bit and widen it as it moved towards the mouth. Where ther earlier founding fathers needed to accentuate their foreheads to intimidate their opponents, John Q. Adams had to accentuate his verbal skills. It is said that the chops magnified his voice by 50%.

The Mad Scientist - Martin Van Buren was so obsessed with his presidential tasks, he let his chops grow unchecked. He also apparently did all his work outside in the wind. He is the only president to sport the Mad Scientist, but the ladies loved it. It was almost like he didn't give a damn.

The Lincoln - Lincoln is the only president to have unique facial hair named after himself. To pull off the Lincoln you've got to have that square jaw, facial hair to cover up that square jaw, and at least one holiday named after you.

The Tammany - It took the General who won the Civil War to finally bring the full beard to the Oval Office. Though it was a thinner beard, it was still badass and a preview of things to come.

The Neanderthal - Rutherford Hayes took Grant's beard and took it to the ends of the universe. Hayes apparently never shaved his whole entire life. His beard was so rampant, it even grew out of his collar. He continues the longest string of awesome facial hair among out presidents that Grant started.

The Rasputin - And the hits continue! James Garfield was next with the Rasputin, a black beard with evil white stripes. Unlike Rasputin himself, James Garfield was not invincible. Quite the contrary, he spent only 199 days in office and died 2 months after a bullet wound - a wound the real Rasputin scoffs at.

The Gills - Fortunately for facial hair, Chester Arthur followed Garfield with the Gills. It is said he could hold his breathe indefinitely, and as a result his oral sex skills on women were legendary. His wife Ellen Lewis Herndon Arthur was often seen having a hard time walking and her legs quivering from the 'gasming that Chester gave her.

The Obiwan - Wedged in between two Grover Cleveland administrations, Benjamin Harrison possessed the last of the presidential beards. While he was the last of a dying trend, he was also the first of a new trend - The Face Mole. Obama owes much of his presidency to Ben Harrison.

The Permascowl - Suddenly things start going downhill. The beard is essentially eliminated from presidential history. All we get from now on are various moustaches, starting with Grover Cleveland. His variety was dubbed the Permascowl because no matter how happy he was, he always looks like his was frowning with this stache.

The Original Cop Stache - While the disappearance of the Presidential Beard was disappointing, Teddy Roosevelt brought to us the cop stache. This moustache says so much without saying a word. To me, it says "I could give you a ticket for reckless driving, cracked windshield, and broken tail light, but I'm just going to give you a speeding ticket for 10 miles over the limit."

The Appalacian - Representing the moustache that looks like a mountain in the Appalachians, WIlliam Taft brought was the last president to rock any facial hair at all. Maybe it has something to do with women being able to vote, and voting for the clean shaven instead of the rugged. Perhaps America will progress and eventually start putting candidates with awesome facial hair on the ballot.

Our hope for the future.

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