The 10 Worst Music Genres Part 2

by Andrew Wallace

published July 21, 2009

(Archnemesis note: Yesterday's article regarding the 10 worst music genres was received with mixed reviews, so we turned to a different point of view, Andrew Wallace - wealthy socialite and Judo champion)

Taste is subjective, no one knows this better than me. I make no bones about the music I listen to, it paints me with a wide brush as an emotionally stunted manchild. With that said, there's some stuff that I just simply can't get into. I'm probably the worse person for it. Still, the heart wants what it wants and what I want desperately is to never hear any of the following genres again.

Andrew Wallace - a man among elves.

10: Jazz - Just as I once unsuccessfully tried to read Ulysses, so too have I tried to listen to Kind of Blue and failed. Perhaps it's because I lack any sort of training in the world of music. I can play the traditional end of a blues song (ba-dun-doom, ba-dun-doom, ba-ba-ba) but that's about it. And so the technical mastery of jazz is really lost on me. It's probably my fault.  Fear once said "New York City's alright if you like saxophones" which is reason enough for me to stay away from NYC.

Jazz - it's kinda like this.

9: Tough Guy Hardcore - To me, the great thing about punk rock is the freedom inherent to the genre. It's for outcasts, misfits, and other weirdos who never quite fit in with normal people. That's why it's my favoritest of all genres. Tough guy hardcore is a very specific genre to punk rock but the ideals border on fascism to me and that ain't punk rock. Couple these violent messages with usually inept musicianship and laughable lyricism and you end up with some of the worst music I've ever laid my ears upon. Some of these bands are straight edge, some aren't, all are terrible.  

I think we should get piss drunk just to spite this Straight Edge poster.

 

8: Mongolian Throat Singing - Uhhhhhhhhh what the fuck is this shit? It's interesting, I'll give it that, and I found some guy doing a cover of Love Will Tear Us Apart in the throat singing style and it certainly did tear me apart but...yeah. If you're unfamiliar with this genre, you really should youtube it and check it out. 

A visual representation of what Mongolian throat singing sounds like.

7: R&B - This will no doubt be a controversial one because I'm certain people will remind me of some songs in this genre that I do like. In fact, I can think of some right now - Poison, Motownphilly, No Diggity, But R Kelly's brand of hypersexual yet meandering storytelling crooning just irritates me to no end. I don't know why, I appreciate that he is an insane man who can piss on a teenager without repercussions. And Ignition Remix is a great song. I dunno. Maybe this shouldn't be on the list but then I just hated LSG so bad. I don't wish this genre ill or anything and more power to you if you like it. Again, this is one I think I'm an asshole for.

Pray for me.

6: 8 bit whatever the fuck - This is a genre I'm only vaguely familiar with, but the band I am most aware of in this genre is Crystal Castles. It sounds like the entire spectrum of autism disorders put to music.

 

5: Yacht rock! - Ugh so I know all these fucktards who think it's just sooooooooo funny to listen to Hall and Oates. I even saw a picture of some poor lost soul who got Darryl Hall and John Oates tattooed on each hand. Boy I hope that person has some indispensable job skills. Listen, irony was cool or whatever, and sometimes I still indulge it myself. But it's a dead scene, yall. There's no future in irony and life's too short to listen to shitty music just because you think it's funny. 

The tattoo in question.

4: Nouvelle Vague - This isn't actually a genre, it's a band and I hate them. I thought about them because I just wrote that thing about Love Will Tear Us Apart and it made me think of Nouvelle Vague's cover of it. For the uninitiated (lucky you!), NV are a bossa nova band that cover punk rock classics of yore. That description doesn't sound too bad, but somehow the execution just really fucking pisses me off.  Here they are just butchering the living shit out of Too Drunk To Fuck. Isn't that cute? Isn't that just so fucking precious? Get fucked Nouvelle Vague, you stupid shits. Die in a structure fire.

Pretentious?

3: Reggae - Hey bro, pass the blunt. Yeaaah. If you can't enjoy a genre without the stupifying effects of cannabis, you should sincerely re-evaluate why you're listening to it.

Lord-a-mercy.

2: Guitar Virtuoso Metal - Wow I totally get it. You can play that guitar! But listening to some arrogant Greek get aspergers all over his two necked guitar is never an enjoyable experience. Perhaps if I played the guitar, I'd be totally into it. But I don't and just how it's difficult for me, a non-cycler, to watch the Tour de France, it's difficult for me to listen to Yngwie Malmsteen.

Tom Sizemore playing guitar.

1: Christian Punk - Christianity's millenia long track record of homophobia, sexism, racism, holy wars, inquisitions, colonialism, and suppression is, guess what, not very punk rock to me! Punk really is about marching to the beat of a different drummer, not kissing the ass of some sandal wearing hippie. I have such contempt for Christiancore that I will not even listen to a band that has slight Biblical overtones. No piety in the pit!

Triple meaning!

 

Honorable Mention: Jam Bands

This is by no means an inclusive list, I am known for hating things! If I could think up what genre Coldplay, U2, or Paul McCartney and Wings went in, that would have placed highly as well. Douchebag UK rock perhaps? If so, consider that an honorable mention. 

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