Remembering Don Carlos, Prince of Asturias

published July 8, 2009

The artist, Alonso Sanchez Coello, made this monstrosity of a prince look somewhat normal.

464 years ago, a noble was born to King Phillip II of Spain. In 1545, Don Carlos was born and he turned out to be one of the weirdest historical figures ever. Probably due to the excess of inbreeding at the time, Don Carlos was oddly deformed. His shoulders were uneven, possibly because his legs were of different lengths. He had a hunched back, was pigeon breasted, and had a high pitched, stuttering girlish voice. He was also very very short, and very very cruel.

Don Carlos was even more cruel than Sarah Michelle Gellar in "Cruel Intentions."

Don Carlos's mother, Maria Manuela, died a month after the birth of Don Carlos. Most likely she saw how horrifying her newborn son was and died of excessive shame. Not only was Don Carlos a physical oddity, many speculate that he was mentally retarded as well. These weaknesses did nothing to thwart his goals.

If Don Carlos was a white tiger, he would look like this.

Don Carlos's goals were simple - whip women and torture small animals for enjoyment. Later in life he was to marry Elizabeth of Valois. Don Carlos's father, King Phillip II, decided to take her for himself. Whether or not this sparked the murderous rage inside Don Carlos in unknown, but what is known is that Don Carlos wanted to murder his father and pretty much everyone else in the high court.

If the reggae Don Carlos knew about the Prince Don Carlos, he would've probably went with a more rastafari name, like Addis Ababa.

Don Carlos was also a murderous infant. He would bite nipples off the women that breastfed him, and give them nasty infections. This was the beginning of nasty habits young Don Carlos would. In addition to whipping girls and torturing small animals, he would mutilate the gentials of dogs, bite off the heads of snakes, maim horses so that they had to be put down. Then the accident happened - and he got even worse.

Artist depection of a murderous infant in modern times. (OH SNAP - malicious desecration!)

in 1562, at the age of 17, Don Carlos was apparently chasing some dame (no surprise that she was running from him). Don Carlos fell down some stairs and had severe head trauma. Back then, medicine was strange, so they drilled a hole in his head and took out pieces of his brain and let fluid drain out. In addition to his already apparent sadism, he became delusional as well. He became more arrogant, more violent, and increasingly murderous to his father. His fits of rage were not limited to animals anymore, as he started attacking Dukes, Cardinals and public servants.

Pic unrelated.

Eventually his Father, King Phillip II, had enough. Don Carlos was locked away in a dark tower for plots to seize the crown (aka murdering his father). It's said that Don Carlos would go on hunger strikes, eat diamond rings, sleep on blocks of ice naked. Don Carlos died a year later at the age of 23. King Phillip tried his hand at having another child, only to produce another child known as Carlos II, a limping and penisless monstrosity, but that is a different story.

For some reason, Rush Limbaugh pops in my head when I think "Penisless Monstrosity."

The most awesome part about Don Carlos, is somehow a 4 hour opera was made about him where he was a hero! The plot revolved around Elizabeth of Valois marrying Don Carlos's father instead of him. Don Carlos goes to prison when Phillip II finds out that she wants Don Carlos, sort of an ancient Sandra Bullock movie (romantic tragedy). So this mobid, sadistic prince is hailed as a hero along the lines of Romeo. One can only wonder how sadistic the real Romeo was, if ever there was one.

For those who have a short attention span, I made a comic about Don Carlos about 13 years ago. Here it is.

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