7 More Stupid Products

published November 16, 2009

There is simply no shortage of stupid crap for sale out in the world and stupid ways people try to make money by selling junk. As Christmas season begins and we're bombarded with the holiday commercial Christmas jingles (the worst torture in the world), I've come up with 7 more horrible and stupid products that people should never be caught dead with (except maybe the rape whistle). This is a continuation of an article from August that you can see here.

That's right girl, smile for the camera.

 

KGB - Text Your Questions - I'm shocked SHOCKED, that this idea even progressed to the point of being in commercials. Not to mention, they're named after the Soviet version of the Secret Service. In fact, I would not be surprised if every question texted to them was answered with "VE VILL BE ASKING ZE QVESTIONS!" I wonder if someone texted them their astrophysics mid-term assignment if they'll give you a correct answer. How about an offensive question like "If you had to have sex with your father to save your mother's life would you do it?" Regardless, this company is probably just some dweebs at a computer who have wikipedia open in front of them at all times. I've also heard reports of answers taking 15 minutes to reply, by which time someone has already told you the 'answer' or you moved on to other things, like Jaegr bombs.

"VE VILL BE ASKING ZE QVESTIONS!" - Dwight Schrute

 

Pet Psychics - This absolutely retarded concept got so popular that there were TV shows about them. Seriously, what kind of person takes their pet to a pet psychic? An old retired spinster with a dog that it loves more than anything in the world, including herself, that's who. I don't have to be a psychic to tell you that your dog wants food, attention and to run outside and probably poop. I also don't have to be a psychic to tell you that your cat wants food and pettting, but mostly food. First off psychics do not exist, and second of all a pet psychic would be like the Dr. Seuss of psychics.

An actual pet psychic.

 

Girls Gone Wild - Not that I am necessarily against drunken coeds showing their subpar breasts covered in mardi gras beads and screaming an ear piercing "WWOOOOOOOO," it's just that there is much better stuff out there for free. Add this to the fact that the founder is a scumbag of epic proportions. So every boob flashed, every t-shirt worn, and every dollar spent on any Girls Gone Wild product supports a pedophilic douchebag who gives drugs to young teens and offers them $50 dollars to play with his wee-wee. There's been rumors that some of his Girls Gone Wild videos have underaged girls so if you have watched them, you too may be a pedophile. Excuse me while I go bleach my eyes.

Mugshot of said douchebag.

 

The Rape Whistle - If I'm triumphantly walking down the streets (as I usually do) and I hear a loud whistle, I'm likely to ignore it and continue with my triumphant strut, while unknowingly refusing to assist a poor woman (or man) being raped. However if I hear a blood curdling cry of help, then I will valiantly come to her (or his) rescue and beat the rapist down. Ok those are extreme scenarios, but you get the point. It's far easier to scream than rummage through your purse for a whistle. Also, why call it a rape whistle? Wouldn't a regular whistle work just as good?

He hoping she's a mute.

 

Electric Facial Mask - Rejuvenate your skin 15 minutes a day 4 days a week! A better catch-phrase would be "look like Hannibal Lecter while doing some potential healthy shit to your skin!" I'm pretty sure this doesn't exist anymore, but I had to mention it. I can't quite decide if this is completely retarded or way awesome. I'm leaning towards completely retarded because you might as well get a cheaper hockey mask if you want that Michael Myers look instead of a $100 dollar electric facial mask.

 

Any Book by Kevin Trudeau - It should be widely known that this guy who you have undoubtedly seen on TV is a complete bullshit artist and a covicted felon. He comes up with bullshit like "free money from the government" and "natural cures revealed" and "weight loss cures." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a cure for weight loss, weight gain. I see forums filled with complaints about his fraudulant activities and the crap they pull. I can only say that they are all dipshits for buying into his bullshit to begin with. If only you had read this before buying the bullshit Kevin Trudeau book.

Do not believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.

 

Shake Weight and the Shake Weight for Men - Okay seriously, this weight loss thing is getting out of hand. Apparently this thing has 240 muscle contractions per minute and uses 'Dynamic inertia' to work out your biceps and triceps at the same time! One way you can work those muscles out with by, oh how about push-ups and bicep curls. Another way is by giving two-handed hand jobs, and this benefits two people not just one! Only problem is at 240 muscle contractions per minute, you'll probably be done with your work out within the first minute. You can tell the actors don't even believe the crap they are trying to sell.

Seriously, the actors seem so insincere.

 

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