Ranking the Bond Girls

published September 14, 2009

Becoming a Bond girl is usually a badge of honor for actresses. It means the world thinks you're a true babe. Armed with dangerous curves, snappy comebacks, and suggestive names, the Bond girls are usually much more than just a notch on Bond's enormous belt. They are usually pivitol in his success of the mission. The criteria of this ranking are hotness and how memorable they are. We chose only the main Bond girl from each of the 23 films, and 2 additional that were extra hot and deserved to be on the list (also to round the number to an even 25). It goes from worst to best, check it out!

25 - Tracy Draco Bond - On Her Majesty's Secret Service - Jeers to this whole movie and jeers to this Bond 'girl'. Though some defend this movie, George Lazenby, and the only girl Bond marries, I say erase all of them from the Bond records. Jeers I say, jeers.

 

24 - Pam Bouvier - License to Kill - I tried to find this Bond girl attractive, but mannish hair, mannish shoulders and mannish boobs are not physical attributes I look for in an attrractive woman.

 

23 - Tatiana Romanova - From Russia With Love - She had some big shoes to fill, and unfortunately her 50's housewife style could not stand up to the goddess Ursula Andress.

 

22 - Tiffany Case - Diamonds are Forever - I thought Bond girls were supposed to be young buxom twenty-something girls, not in their early 40's.

 

21 - Natalya Simonova - Goldeneye - When Goldeneye arrived to reinvigorate the franchise, the leading Bond lady appeared with a resounding 'meh'. She was overshadowed by another girl in the same movie who had a relatively small part (see #6).

 

#20 - Wai Lin - Tomorrow Never Dies - Pierce Brosnan's second leading lady wasn't much better than the first. At least she was skilled in the arts of war, and military tactics.

 

#19 - Holly Goodhead - Moonraker - The cute begins with Holly Goodhead and I can only assume she gives great head. However being in the horrible Moonraker loses her some points.

 

18 - Christmas Jones - The World is Not Enough - Yes, Denise RIchards was bangin' back then. She also was a lousy actress. As far as believing that she was a nuclear physicist, I'd sooner believe in Scientology.

 

17 - Jinx Johnson - Die Another Day - Halle Berry's attempted tribute to Ursula Andress fell flat. Also because I have a slight hatred of this overrated, pretentious actress, I've dropped her to 17.

 

16 - Kissy Suzuki - You Only Live Twice - She was a strange looking Japanese girl with relatively large eyes. That combination was rather exotic and puts her at #16.

 

15 - Octopussy - Octopussy - Though admittedly not as physically attractive as some of the earlier names, the fact that she had a whole movie named after herself and that she can apparently bang 8 dudes at the same time is enough to jump her to #15.

 

14 - Melina Havelock - For Your Eyes Only - This half Greek beauty played a revenge motivated babe. Her anger and frustration was quite attractive. The only thing keeping her from being higher on the list is my imagination. I keep picturing her with hairy arms.

 

13 - Kara Milovy - The Living Daylights - The Russian cellist gets points for being the last blonde Bond girl, and for being disgustingly cute.

 

12 - Mary Goodnight - The Man With the Golden Gun - I can't help to go a little animal when I see a buxom platinum blonde with big blue eyes and pouty lips. With a name like Mary Goodnight, you'd probably be in for a jolly excellent evening.

 

11 - Pussy Galore - Goldfinger - Her name alone is strong enough to put her this high. When someone has the same name as a porn site, you know there's something special.

 

10 - Domino Derval - Thunderball - And the yummy continues. Played by the runner-up of the 1958 Miss World pageant, Miss France Claudine Auger manages to crack the top 10.

 

9 - Solange Dimitrios - Casino Royale - One of two Bond girls on this list who isn't a main Bond girl, her performance in the first part of Casino Royale was enough to give you blue balls for a month.

 

8 - Camille Montes - Quantum of Solace - Showing that the makers of the Bond movies keep up with the times well, they cast this amazing babe for the shitpile Quantum of Solace.

 

7 - Domino - Never Say Never Again - Some do not consider this movie a real Bond movie. I argue that it not only is a Bond movie, but it's top 5. A young Kim Basinger dancing around to horrible 80's music is one of the reasons why.

 

6 - Xenia Onatopp - Goldeneye - Xenia is the second Bond girl that wasn't a leading lady. She even was a Bond villain. But like I mentioned in the Bond villain article, her wild bedroom antics are enough to drive you crazy.

 

5 - XXX - The Spy Who Loved Me - Barbara Bach played a Russian big eyed beauty in this movie. Banging body and big eyes, just what The Archnemesis likes the most. Also her name is synonymous with my favorite genre of movie.

 

4 - Solitaire - Live and Let Die - Do you remember Dr. Quinn Medicine woman? It was that horrible show with a hot older woman. Well before she was a hot older woman (Jane Seymour), she was a supremely hot younger woman. I think she's like 60 years old now and still hot. That speaks volumes to how hot she was in 1973.

 

3 - Honey Ryder - Dr. No - The original Bond girl that took everyone's breath away was Ursula Andress. Her name is even synonymous with a fantastic sexual position. The scene of her coming out of the sea singing is still one of the hottest moments in cinematic history.

 

2 - Stacey Sutton - A View to a Kill - Before Tanya Roberts got all 80's, she was a beautiful blonde with hypnotic blue eyes and an amazing body. She also had an aura of helplessness which seemed to enhance her hotness, especially when she proved to be anything but.

 

1 - Vesper Lynd - Casino Royale - I can't pinpoint what exactly it is that makes me put her at #1. Maybe I just like slender alien women with big disproportionate boobs. Maybe it was her transition from cold to scalding hot. Maybe it was how vulnerable she seemed at times, especially in the shower. Perhaps just all of the above. Vesper is definitely one of the main reasons Casino Royale remains my favorite Bond flick, and it will take a whole hell of a lot to dethrone her.

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