Total Recall Review and Predictions for the Remake

published June 6, 2009

This is what happens when you don't "give dis people air."

It was recently reported that the American classic Sci-fi, "Total Recall", will be remade. This is pretty terrible news. Just another way that Hollywood can take a crap on our childhood, and make a buck out of it. Knowing hollywood, they are going to make it PG or PG-13, load it up with CGI, and have completely uncharismatic actors. This probably means, no Cuato, no three-boobed lady, no midget prostitute with a machine gun, no Johnny cab, no eyes bugging out of the head on the Mars surface, no memorable quotes, and no fantastic graphic violence. One thing the remake will do, is make everyone watch the original again, and boy is the original awesome.

You make me wish I had 3 hands.

The Original

Awesome: I'll make this short and sweet, but pretty much everything is awesome. There's no 'hollywood formula' in this movie. The storyline can really be 5 different things. Every single character in the movie is pretty awesome. There's actual violence in the movie (as opposed to carebear Hollywood these days). And there's dozens of memorable Arnold quotes to boot. This one of a very small handful of movies that I give an A+.

Fantastic Arnold quotes -
"That's amazing, where are we?"
"Give dis people air!"
"Come on baby, you know you're the girl of my dreams."
" Now whatever your name is, get ready for de big suprise. You are not you, you're me."
"Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser."

Complaints: Melina should've been way hotter, at least hotter than Sharon Stone. That's about it.

Meh.

My Prediction for the Remake

The preview will be awesome. It will get us pumped with it's next generation CGI, and an awesome background song probably by Nine Inch Nails, as no one does better preview songs at the moment. Then it will be announced as a PG-13 movie. The first reviews of the movie will be fairly awful. The general consensus of the masses will be that this was a bad movie. I predict it will get a C-. Let's make predictions as to who will play the awesome roles.

Quaid/Hauser: Vin Diesel. Since there is no Arnold for the next generation, they're stuck with one of the bigger action stars with no charisma who's got a few sci-fi movies under his belt.You heard it here first!
Lori: Charlize Theron. It'll be hard to top a younger Sharon Stone in the the remake. Charlize is one of the few who can do some athletic moves and can bust out with the evil side.
Cohagen: Powers Boothe. This guy is a badass and plays good villains. Hollywood will probably cast some unknown guy who acts like a total wuss. Another good choice could be JK. Simmons.
Richter: Kiefer Sutherland. He's probably the only actor I can think of that can pull Richter off, however I bet Michael Ironside could play this role again.
Benny: Mos Def. The orignal Benny was pretty awesome and delivered one of my favorite lines, "You make me wish I had 3 hands." Mos Def can probably do this role okay, which is about as good as he can do a role.
Melina: Eliza Dushku, She can kick ass, and she's hotter than Charlize. This role could probably go to a relative unknown as well.
3 Boobed Lady: No one, and it will be a crying shame.
Johnny Cab: No one, because no one played it in the original, duh!
Midget Prostitute with machine Gun: No one, another crying shame. The cute little midget prostitute firing a machine gun has to be one of the awesome moments in cinematic history.
Cuato: CGI, but it would be awesome to see Mini-Me coming out of someone's torso.

Seriously, can you think of 1 better moment in cinematic history?

ORIGINAL MOVIE GRADE: A+

REMAKE GRADE: C-

"Hope you enjoy the ride, ha ha."

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