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Total Recall Review and Predictions for the Remake
published June 6, 2009
This is what happens when you don't "give dis people air."

It was recently reported that the American classic Sci-fi, "Total Recall", will be remade. This is pretty terrible news. Just another way that Hollywood can take a crap on our childhood, and make a buck out of it. Knowing hollywood, they are going to make it PG or PG-13, load it up with CGI, and have completely uncharismatic actors. This probably means, no Cuato, no three-boobed lady, no midget prostitute with a machine gun, no Johnny cab, no eyes bugging out of the head on the Mars surface, no memorable quotes, and no fantastic graphic violence. One thing the remake will do, is make everyone watch the original again, and boy is the original awesome.

3 boobed lady total recall censored
You make me wish I had 3 hands.

The Original

Awesome: I'll make this short and sweet, but pretty much everything is awesome. There's no 'hollywood formula' in this movie. The storyline can really be 5 different things. Every single character in the movie is pretty awesome. There's actual violence in the movie (as opposed to carebear Hollywood these days). And there's dozens of memorable Arnold quotes to boot. This one of a very small handful of movies that I give an A+.

Complaints: Melina should've been way hotter, at least hotter than Sharon Stone. That's about it.

Melina
Meh.

My Prediction for the Remake

The preview will be awesome. It will get us pumped with it's next generation CGI, and an awesome background song probably by Nine Inch Nails, as no one does better preview songs at the moment. Then it will be announced as a PG-13 movie. The first reviews of the movie will be fairly awful. The general consensus of the masses will be that this was a bad movie. I predict it will get a C-. Let's make predictions as to who will play the awesome roles.

Midget firing machine gun gif
Seriously, can you think of 1 better moment in cinematic history?

ORIGINAL MOVIE GRADE: A+

REMAKE GRADE: C-

JOhnny Cab
"Hope you enjoy the ride, ha ha."

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