Weird Facial Hair in Sports

published August 11, 2009

If you make millions playing sports, you are offered a freedom that the average worker does not have. The average worker is supposed to dress and act professionally. In the world of sports, you are allowed to have crazy hair, crazy facial hair, millions of tattoos, outrageous post game clothing. It's an envious freedom that most of us have not had since our college days. With this freedom, you are expect to see some weird facial hair. Here are about 15 examples of the weirdest that I can think of.

The Jaunty Scoundrel - Rookie Clay Zavada of the Diamondbacks sports the signature facial hair of the 1800's villain. The result is that batters have no idea if he will attach an acme rocket to the baseball for added velocity on his fastball. He strokes his moustache like a diabolical genius when he strikes batters out.

Chilly Cheeks - Ryan Franklin has a symbiotic relationship with a small parasitic marmot that has attached itself to his chin. Franklin offers food and drink that doesn't quite make his mouth, and in return the parasitic marmot offers a more intimidating appearance to scare hitters into swinging at balls.

The Testickler - Bobby Jenks has no ordinary tickler, he has the famed Testickler. It's camoflauged pink in order to fool penises into thinking his face is a vagina. The unaware penis is then fooled into the awaiting predator's mouth, much like an angler fish luring prey with it's lure. Jenks pulls it off with extra efficiency with the double camoflauge of his moobs.

Evard's Black Tentacles - Sometimes when Drew Gooden needs a timely foul, his Black Tentacles will do the dirty deed for him. It is still in question which Washington WIzard is high enough level to have casted this spell on Drew Gooden's chin.

The "How's Your Wife and My Kids" - Jason Giambi did everything in his power to look exactly like infamous film Yankee Clough Heywood from "Major League," which the quote "How's your wife and my kids" came from. Like Heywood, Giambi led in many offensive categories, including nose hair.

Face Fungus - Pau Gasol of the World Champion Lakers was unfortunately diagnosed with an unnaturally large fungus infection called a "Beast Infection." The mushroom cap has expanded over the years revealing the disgusting spores on the underside, which attempts to spread to the rest of Pau's body and to other teammates.

The Disease of the White Man - Abel Xavier is a Portuguese footballer (soccer player) who has the disease of the white man. The Aztec's may have been wiped out from the disease of the white man, but Xavier has built up some sort of partial immunity where the disease only affects his hair and his dancing.

The Stench Tickler - Scott Spiezio sports this vile tickler, which is of the same genus as the aforementioned Testickler, only far more malicious. This pink patch lures children, thinking it cotton candy, only for Spiezio to devour them. For adults, it serves as an anal stimulant to loosen the muscle so he can devour your rectum.

Hope for The Homeless - Ricky Williams is the proud owner of a "Hope for the Homless" beard. Opponents, thinking that Williams is a worthless bum, underestimate his speed and end up giving him and extra 35 yards per game on average. Kimbo Slice also sports the "Hope for the Homeless," which is amazing because he himself is an example of hope for the homeless.

The Face Stand - You may not know it by looking at him, but Scot Pollard spends a lot of time with his face on the ground. He's developed a stand for his face, to keep it from rolling around. Think of it like a stand that holds up a signed baseball, except the baseball is Scot Pollard's face.

The Mexican Teenager - Sidney Crosby is a 22 year old Canadian Hockey Player on the Pittsburgh Penguins. This is what makes his "Mexican Teenager" all the more tragic. If you spend weeks trying to grow out some facial hair and this is the result, it's time to give up and try again in five years.

The Fainting Goat - Mixed Martial artist Nick Thompson got this nickname because of a habit of being unconscious all the time from knockouts. This facial formation doubles as extra padding for throat punches.

The Porn Stache - Popularized by adult film star John Holmes in the 1970's, many thought this stache was dead. The late 90's saw a resurrection of the Porn Stache, as seen by Lakers bench player Adam Morrison. There is even a website dedicated to the Porn Stache.

The Enforcer - Favorite of motorcycle cops and Kazak journalists everywhere, the Encforcer is facial hair done right. When you smile, it smiles with you. When you scowl, it doubles the intensity. Since adapting the Enforcer look, George Parros's hockey skills have doubled.

The Bum Fluff - Tennis player Andy Murray is trying to bring back the Bum Fluff. The Bum Fluff is named after the sparse hair growth on your ass, and likely does not attract ladies.

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