10 Animals With Sexual Names

published November 14, 2009

Why is it that so many animals are named after dirty sexual parts? Or is it the other way around? If dogs were to have intercourse in the missionary position, would they call it humie style? All over nature there are animals with dirty names. I'm not even getting to the plant and fungus kingdoms, these are just animals. The funny thing is, I have the distinct feeling that I'm forgetting about half of them. Here are 10 of these filthy sexually named animals. Purposly left out - the pussy cat.

Cockchafer - Also known as "your sister," this is a beetle that is considered a pest and has nearly been eradicated in several points in history. There's three types of cockchafer, the common cockchafer, the forest cockchafer, and the large cockchafer. It's likely that your sister is both a common and a large cockchafer. You hate to picture it, but you know she does it.

Sperm Whale - Seriously what came first (gah accidental pun), the sperm whale, or the sperm semen. Is male sperm named after the sperm whale, or is the sperm whale named after male sperm? Well the answer is that the sperm whale was named after the sperm-like subtance found on it's head. I kid you not, but this substance is also found in a sperm whale's "junk." The 'junk' is found in its head above its jaw. The 'junk' on human males is where sperm and pee comes from.

Bear - I yearn for a time where children could aspire to become a bear, without having the connotation of wanting to become a hairy bearded gay man.

Ass - People seem to be obsessed with this animal, also known as a donkey or "ba-donkey-dunk (yeah I changed the spelling a bit). Sometimes, I like to picture rap songs about the ass as rap songs about donkeys. Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up" becomes quite funny. Well an ass is about as rude a word as you can call someone without using a racial slur or calling someone a 'cunt.' To my knowledge, there is no animal called a 'cunt.'

Beaver - "Nice Beaver!" This quote was forever immortalized by Leslie Nielsen's portrayal of Frank Drebin in "The Naked Gun." Was he talking about Priscilla Presley's hairy vagina, in which he would've had a perfect view of? Alas no, she had a stuffed beaver (that wasn't her hairy vagina). In recent days, it seems like the animal beaver is reclaiming the name beaver back from the vagina beaver. Perhaps maybe because I'm not in middle school any more.

Camel - I specifically refer to the camel's hoof, lovingly referred to as cameltoe. For those of you older than 40, that another term for clothing that has managed to wedge its way into the vagina. Essentially it's a vagina wedgie. I hope the 'moose knuckle' term starts picking up too, as a moose knuckle is a either a massive female cameltoe, or a male cameltoe where the clothing crunches the man's junk.

Crab - Sea crabs that are exceptionally yummy have absolutely nothing to do with the pubic crabs except maybe that under a microscope they kinda look alike. I will admit, it's hard to order crab legs at red lobster without a flash of Paris Hilton scratching her crotch entering my mind.

Peafowl/Peacock - The Peacock is a fairly magnificent bird with marvelous plummage. It's too bad that two words "Pee" and "Cock" have to make it up. "Pee" and "Foul" isn't much better - in fact it's usually a reason to go see a doctor or stop eating asparagus.

Boobies / Tits - I've always known about boobies (the bird). Once I found out that there are several birds called "tits," I giggled like a middle schooler in sex-ed. I wonder if there are birds called jugs, gazongas, breasts, melons, flapjacks, and... hooters!!!!! OWLS!!!!

Rooster (Cock) - They don't call it rooster fighting, they call it cock fighting. That right, the male penis is named after the rooster. Choking the chicken is a euphemism for male masturbation. The cock is quite possibly the ultimate in sexual innuendo in animal names.

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