The Republican Sexual Deviant

published July 16, 2009

The life of always being tempted by the devil must be a hard life. The devil wants you to do drugs. The devil wants you to commit murder. The devil wants you to take bribes. Worst and most tempting to all Republicans, the devil wants you to have gay sex. Every day, male republicans fight long and hard against the urge of gay sex, and it is not an easy fight. Everywhere they look, there is an anus ready for them to plant their Republican penis into. It takes alot of energy and channeling for Republicans to erase their desire for gay sex, and to remember how much they love their wives. Even where cured, much like a smoker who quits and still desires a cigarette, or an alcoholic who still craves a cold beer, the cured still wonder about a sweet male anus around their penis. The devil has been tempting Republicans for a long time to abandon their family friendly beliefs. Here is a tribute to those unfortunate enough to succumb to the devil briefly. Rest assured, they are cured now, and have no desire to succumb to the devil, even if gay sex is involved.

The beloved Ted Haggard - before the devil infected him with the need for gay sex and meth.

Mark Sanford - He is the current governor of South Carolina and one of the staunchest opponents of Clinton's heterosexual blowjob. Because he was so battle weary fighting the stimulus, the devil saw this as a perfect opportunity to lure this proud governor to a vile Argentinean seductress. Trying to disguise is as a hiking trip, he was foiled when it was revealed that that day was naked hiking day, aka the devil's 4th favorite day of the year. Well, the governor had to admit that the devil tempted him, but at least it wasn't gay sex!

An Archnemesis rendering of the horrifying moment Mark Sanford succumbed to the devil.

 

Larry Craig - Unfortunately, not all Republicans are strong enough to resist the devil's temptation of gay sex. Poor Larry Craig was taking a dump in an airport restroom in Minneapolis. The devil struck Larry with the urge for some sweet man-love. The next stall seemed to be occupied by a man with the urge for some wrinkled Senator cock. When Craig signaled that he indeed was ready to insert his Republican Senatorial penis into a sweet succulent man-ass, his bill promptly got vetoed when it turned out to be an undercover police officer. Wide stance or no, the devil had won this round against poor Craig.

An Archnemesis rendering of what Larry Craig really wished happened in the stalls that evening.

 

John Ensign - Once the 4th highest ranking spot in the Republican party's leadership, the devil promptly put an end to it when he tempted Ensign with a member of his campaign staff - Cynthia Hampton. The devil made sure this average looking seductress pried this evangelical Senator from his loving wife and three kids, and had a wild extramarital affair (for 9 months). Poor John cannot be blamed as it was the devil in charge, not him. Even worse, the devil had coerced his parents to pay the Hampton family approximately $100,000. This is a steep price for the devil's misdeed, as usually all it takes is a prayer and a public apology.

An Archnemesis rendering of Cynthia Hampton, when she was on John Ensign's staff.

 

Ted Haggard - This former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals had a phone line to President Bush, and to God. He was the one who would tell Bush what God told him. I cannot think of a better target for the devil than him. The devil brought rain on Haggard hard. Haggard not only went for the repeated gay sex, but the repeated drug use (meth). He has since been cured, and hopefully immune to the devil's taunting of gay sex (television).

An Archnemesis rendering of Ted Haggard and gay sex partner, moments before indulging in a night filled with raunchy gay sex and meth.

Mark Foley - A staunch opponent of gay sex with children, Foley launched an all-out campaign against pedophiles and all that those digusting perverts stand for. The devil works in mysterious ways, and turning a Republican into a child pornographer is the cruelest of temptations. Poor Mark Foley was taken over by the devil and engaged in improper conduct with several 16 year old boys and sent perverted e-mails and instant messages to other boys. Mark Foley has since resigned from the House of Representatives, and fights his urge to show his Republican penis to children on a daily basis, a battle not easily won.

An Archnemesis rendering of Mark Foley playing "Where's the Lollipop?" with teenage boys.

5 more to come next week! Until then - DEVIL BE GONE.

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