...and Out Come the Direwolves

written by Andrew Wallace

published July 25, 2009

(The Archnemesis may or may not agree with this article, but it is always interesting to see the point of view from someone who reproduces through Mitosis.)

Ah, World of Warcraft. Many a sleepless night has been facilitated by the endless clicking on various enemies and getting ganked by twinked out gnome warlocks. I've been criticized in the past for avoiding social obligations in favor of this animated spreadsheet, but that's not all there is to it. Some of the monsters you encounter are hella sexy and in the great tradition of The Archnemesis, I have decided to rank them in a top 10 list that even I will eventually come to disagree with!

Perfect for your sick hoof fetish.

10: Dryads- Sort of an unholy cross between a centaur and night elf, the dryad is among the first non-night elf character you will encounter in the NE starting region. These gentle protectors of the forest sort of cross me into a disgusting zoophile type of category, but such things are unavoidable when one makes lists like this. The important thing is their powerful haunches, which I would lovingly caress. No beasto.

No, we don't hire dirty centaurs.

9: Harpy- True, all women are harpies in their own right. But the mythical harpy we have grown accustomed to is not the harpy that flits about the exalted lands of Azeroth, oh no. These are sexy ass babes who wear bikinis and shoot magical bolts at you. Vastly preferable to real women, who seldom wear bikinis and destroy you with more subtle and horrible means.

Naga gave me Harpies

8: Murloc- No one thinks murlocks are sexy, and at first glance, they'd be right. They're vicious little fishheads with arms and legs. But the way they gurgle makes me think they must hump like animals. Imagine murlock humping right now. Now you'll never unimagine it.

MURHGLHGHLHGHLHAA!

7: Banshee- Nuff said. These shrieking wraiths with their immense claws are no doubt tops in the sack. They've had a lot of anguish and they're sort of crazy, but everyone says crazy chicks are the best in bed anyway. I wouldn't know because I'm a huge WoW playing virgin goon.

Her other job is a librarian.

6: Illidan Stormrage- This dude is so buff and has wings and horns. He's extremely powerful but I bet he sleeps on silk sheets and as a demon, you know he has extraordinarily hedonistic tastes. Perhaps he is too sexually voracious for you, and if that's the case I cannot fault you. But if you're ready to be made a true woman or man (he ain't picky!), Illidan's the guy for the job.

You gonna get... loved tenderly.

5: Furbolgs- Some gay men are into a subsect known as "bears," but furlbogs have taken it a step further. They are literally bearmen and mmmmmmmgod I want to do a furlbog so bad I want to lay a furlbog down on a feather mattress and lick its vagina so slow it gets a stomach ache. Oh... Oh hi everyone.

Rawr.

4: Trolls- A lithe and agile race seasoned with Carribean flavor, there isn't much to dislike about trolls. They're always happy to dance around and take it easy mon. If you require a hard pounding trolls might not be the way to go, but if you want to spend the entire day languidly making love, sipping on umbrella drinks, these are definitely your men or women for the job.

Capoeira your way into my bed.

3: Goblins- Goblins are amoral little fellows. That much cannot be denied. They are driven almost entirely by profit, but they have their own code of conduct that must be adhered to, so you know there's some honorableness to them as well. They're extremely short and have big eyes and I know of at least one person for whom that is their weakness. 

What they lack in height they make up for in penis.

2: Nightsaber- Anyone who has ever owned a cat knows how sexy they can be. The way they lay as close to you as possible and intermittently bite you for no reason, those are all things that are somewhat sexual. A nightsaber is just an immense cat. Draw your own conclusions. 

Nightsaber in the throes of passion.

1: Nagas- Ah, the slithering sultry seduction of a snake coupled with the boobular torso of a woman. The naga has it all. When the naga swims through the water, it's undulating bodice creates feelings within my soul that cannot, indeed, must not be denied. Naga please, you know you'd hit it too.

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