Ranking Monkeys and Apes

published October 17, 2009

Unless you are a god-damn poacher who deserves to be disemboweled, you can't deny the awesomeness of apes and monkeys. Apes are the closest thing to humans in the wild, and monkeys are a close second. In my world travels I have run across nearly every kind of monkey and have decided to do the impossible. I have decided to try to rank them from least awesome to most awesome. The tough part about this is that they are all awesome. The even tougher part is that there are like seven thousand different types of monkeys and apes (not really 7 thousand, but it is a lot). Well out of the 25 most common, I've ranked them for you. If nothing else, it'll give you a nice glimpse into the variety and majesty of the monkey and ape world.

 

25 - Celebes Crested Monkey - Gah, how can the bottom of the list have such a cool looking monkey already? Well the Celebes Crested Macaque is considered a pest because it destroys crops quickly. Plus if you've ever dealt with macaques before, you know these jerks will steal stuff from you and run away with it.

 

24 - Woolly Monkey - This South American monkey is quite endagered, but I have it low on the list due to being quite generic.

 

23 - Langur Monkey - The interesting thing about the Langur Monkey is that they spend more time on the ground than any other monkey. The combination of the black face with white/gray fur is a pretty awesome look as well.

 

22 - Mangabey - Upon first glance, one would wonder why such a beautiful monkey is so low on the list. Well, these bad boys are responsible for the HIV virus. So if you're going to sex up a monkey, make sure it isn't a mangabey, you sick bastard.

 

21 - Rhesus Macaque - These damn monkeys the biggest jerks in the animal kingdom. I have a distinct memory of an army of these macaques tearing open all our backpacks and eating our food right out of it. They'll steal anything - hats, necklaces, whole backpacks. Barring that, they're pretty cool.

 

20 - Capuchin - These monkey resemble small, athletic, grumpy old men. Don't let the appearance fool you, they are considered the smartest of all of the monkeys, with only the apes being smarter.

 

19 - Marmoset - These cute and tiny monkeys are the most primitive of the monkeys. They'll get only a tad bit bigger than your hand. Did I mention that they're cute?

 

18 - Uakari - I'd consider these the weirdest looking of all these monkeys. Apparently their name means "Dutchmen," because the natives thought they looked like those damn sunburnt Europeans.

 

17 - Guenon - This strange monkey has the cheek pouches of a chipmunk. This particular one looks like Lando's co-pilot in Return of the Jedi.

 

16 - Gibbon - The Gibbon is the first ape on the list, even though it is consider a 'lesser ape.' If you've ever seen a gibbon in action, they are one of the most athletic animals, with amazing swinging and leaping abilities.

 

15 - Spider Monkey - These monkey are surprisingly one of the largest 'new world' monkeys. They are also quite mischievous, dropping branches on people on purpose. If that doesn't work, they'll try to poop on you.

 

14 - Baboon - Ah the Baboon, the monkey with those huge bright red asses. Their expressive faces make for great photos, like this one.

 

13 - Owl Monkey - These colorblind monkeys make it this high on the list strictly for their awesome looks. Their big eyes are necessary because of their nocturnal nature.

 

12 - Colobus Monkey - From a distance, these monkeys resemble huge skunks. Their name means 'mutilated' because these monkeys completely lack thumbs.

 

11 - Siamang - This ape is the largest type of gibbon, getting to be almost double the size of the other gibbons. The throat sac amplifies its calls, which it'll spend nearly an hour a day doing.

 

10 - Saki - You'll have a hard time finding these monkeys, as they are way up the trees and hardly ever come down. But when you get a glimpse, they're a beautiful yet cautious monkey.

 

9 - Squirrel Monkey - Whenever you see a picture of a cute little monkey hugging something, it's probably a squirrel monkey. The Germans call these monkeys "Skull monkeys." Damn morose Germans.

 

8 - Howler Monkey - These monkeys have certainly earned their name. They are considered the loudest out of all land animals and can be heard from 3 miles away.

 

7 - Orangutan - Quite possibly the smartest non-human animal, the glorious orangutan can do things no other animal can do. They have senses of humor and are quick to learn. They are generally friendly towards humans, whereas a chimp has been known to rip faces off.

 

6 - Chimpanzee - These monkeys are the closest living species to humans, having split from the evolutionary tree a mere 6 million years ago. Like the orangutan, chimps are capable of laughter, but my favorite sentence regarding chimps is that 'they are capable of deception.' Oh how close to human they are indeed!

 

5 - Proboscis Monkey - This monkey is all about the schnoz. Their schnoz fills up with blood when agitated, and it also enhances their screams.

 

4 - Mandrill - There is something inherently terrifying about the mandrill. Add this to the fact that they are by far the largest monkey and travel in large groups (largest was about 1300 mandrills). Once thought to be baboons, they deservingly received their own genus.

 

3 - Gorilla - Much like Jupiter, Betelgeuse, and Shaq, the gorilla gets points for being big. It seems like nature is doing everything she can to rid the earth of the poor gorilla. Between human poaching and disease (the ebola virus killed about 5,000 gorillas in 2006) the gorillas chance is slim.

 

2 - Emperor Tamarin - This monkey received its name from its resemblence to Emperor WIlhelm II of Germany. This small monkey gets no bigger than a foot tall, but it's awesome moustache is the reason it's #2.

 

1 - Japanese Macaque - Well we started the list with the macaque, and we'll finish it with a different macaque. You'll have seen these monkeys in the natural hot tubs of Japan. Unlike most other macaques, these ones are chill and much smarter. These monkeys clean their food before they eat it. Only humans and raccoons do that. Just check out how chill this macaque is!

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