Jeers to You... Insecure Middle Aged White Man

published May 27, 2009

You're getting old. The penis is beginning to shrink, while gravity is dropping your balls to your knees. You have a hard time getting erections, despite your supportive wife who is still in her sexual prime. Your sub-par performance in bed cannot keep her insatiable sexual appetite in check. You're going bald, and the hair you do have is turning gray. Don't worry, it's just nature trying to tell your wife to leave you and find a strapping young buck. Lucky for you, there's all these products on the market that can help you fool nature (and your wife!)

Problem #1: Problem getting Erections - You might as well not even be a man. Oh it seemed so long ago when a bumpy car ride, jumping jacks, or a good steak would have you ready to play baseball with your rock hard wang. Now, not even the raunchiest of pornography can get any movement from the down below. Your wife is eyeing that young latin gardener with unbridled lust, and she's got like a Trojan Fingertip Massaging thingie on each finger. Woe!

And this is the country you are from, as featured on the Euro coin.

Solution: Viagra, Cialis, Levitra - Woe be gone! Your solution is pills! These pills open your arteries and increase blood flow aaaah who cares. It's time to sexually pommel your wife into the ground. Of course, before that, you've got to joyfully walk on the beach, pick her up and spin her around, and touch nose to nose alot.

Nose touching, prelude to thunderous wrinkly pounding.

Problem #2: Baldness - No, it's not a solar panel for a sex machine. If anything, it's a solar panel for skin cancer of the scalp. You look 25 years older than your wife (when you are actually 10 years older). Unfortunately, you cannot wear a hat everywhere you go. You could shave your entire head, but that only works for aging basketball players, and you'll just look like a chemo patient.

This young boy has recovered from chemotherapy nicely. An encouraging story for patients everywhere.

Solution: Rogaine - What used to be a thinning wasteland, is now a lush rainforest. Now your wife isn't looking at that shirtless puerto rican gardener anymore. You're strutting around with all the confidence in the world. You head to the coffee shop and wink at the young lady behind the counter. But she is creeped out *GASP*. You may have hair... but it's all gray!

Who can argue with results like this? Anonymous (pictured above) has gone on to have a successful career in spirited banter.

Problem #3: Graying Hair - So the Rogaine has shaved off a few years, but that gray hair is still making you look like a grandpa. Not only that, but your 20 year reunion is coming up. Can you imagine the shame when your former classmates subtly notice your gray hair with a condescending smirk, and giggle behind your back!

Behold the shame of graying hair.

Solution: Just for Men - Rejoice! Now all those bitches who rejected you in high school will wish they bore your children instead of the slightly not-as-good looking wife of yours. All is well right? Wrong.

Touching noses with his lesbian wife.

Problem #4: Hair Not Gray Enough - Sooner or later, you and your gray hair will face an identity crisis! Gray hair says experience. No gray hair says energy. Why can't you have a little bit of both? Wait a second, this sounds familiar. IS THIS FOR REAL?!?!

Solution: Just for Men, A Touch of Gray - Now you can comb away a little gray, without getting rid of it all. Now you look like you know what you're doing, and can still do it. If you use this product, I do believe you can be considered clinically retarded.

Not only do you not have to worry about your wife cheating on you anymore, you can cheat on her with this abnormally hot psychiatrist!

Problem: Penis Size, Width and Performance in Bed - Oh my. So many more insecurities for you, old middle aged white man. If only there was a simple little pill, that uses real science, that can increase the size of this certain part of the male anatomy...

Solution: Extenze - My disdain and hatred for all these commercials aimed at you, insecure middle aged white man, can only be summed up by this YMTND.

 

So jeers to you, insecure middle aged white guy, for bringing these horrific ad campaigns into existence, and wasting the collective times of everyone else who has to suffer through them.