The Ten Manliest Animals
published October 5, 2009
Mother Nature sure knows how to raise some manly children. Nature is full of manliness, from thunderstorms, to volcanoes, to tornadoes, and even all three at the same time. Nature also has some manly beasts, most of which the manliest of men would never wish to face in hand to hand combat. Usually we have to cheat, using guns, spears, global warming and arrows. Regardless, here are the 10 of the manliest beasts that nature has to offer.
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#10 - Musk Ox - This beast has such a strong odor, that it's named after it. The strong odor is used to attract females, simlar to how our sweat and pheromones make the ladies go wild. They have long ass nappy hair, and clearly don't give a damn, an admirable and manly trait.
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#9 - Crocodile - No beast is more of a master of its domain than a crocodile. Every single animal needs to drink water, but in doing so, they put their lives in jeopardy. The reason is because any moment a crocodile will jump out of the water and rip your face off. Even the manliest of animals are scared shitless when they have to drink from a river. Just look at the picture, it's a friggin leg!
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#8 - Hyena - Hyenas get a bad rep because everyone always thought that they were the jerks that stole the kill from the loveable lions. Turns out, hyenas hunt just as much as lions and the lions steal from the hyenas just as much. The manly thing about the hyena is how they maintain just a great sense of humor in the direst of situations. Not to mention they have some of the strongest jaws in all the animal kingdom. Here is a picture of a young hyena eating a skull.
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#7 - Bull - Several tons of pure muscle and rage, all concentrated into sharp ass horns with the sole intent to stab - that about describes a bull. The smallest thing, like the color red, will send them into a berserker like rage, something the manliest of men in the world wish they could do. In this picture, a bull is trying to fly. If this bull actually had wings, it would be the end of humanity as we know it. The African water buffalo would also fit in this category, as they are allegedly the most aggressive land animal in Africa. |
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#6 - Rhinoceros - I just described how manly bulls are, well picture all that aggression and muscle in twice the size, into one sharp horn instead of 2. Also picture a penis the size of your entire leg. That is a rhinoceros. They even have personal groomer birds to clean off the bugs off its back. Wounds means nothing to the rhinoceros, as you can see in this picture above.
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#5 - Bear - Cute and cuddly enough for the ladies, but ferocious and terribly dangerous enough for the manliest of beasts. This is the bear. There are so many stories of people having their faces ripped off from a bears nibble. A swarm of bees is enough to deter most men, but to a bear it isn't even a slight nuisance. Bears also display a sense of cleverness not apparent in most beasts, being able to open doors and more importantly, refrigerators. Children are taught at an early age that bears are cute and cuddly, but all too often we hear stories of said children getting devoured by the very bears they try to pet.
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#4 - Lion - The king of animals is certainly one of the manliest beasts in the world. The male lion has a glorious mane, quite possibly the most manly trait any animal can have that isn't an enormous penis. Their job is protection. The female lion hunts and brings the food to the male lion while he chills out and scopes the situation. If any other lions or hyenas arrive, it's the male lion's job to destroy them. The manly lion is the epitomy of dominance, a goal we all try to achieve.
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#3 - Shark - It doesn't get much more ferocious or scarier than a shark. When they attack people, it's usually a mistake. Their apology is to let you go when you're already dead or maimed. Underwater, nothing can step to the shark. Sharks are probably the reason the Plesiosaur went extinct. This is a picture of a shark smiling. When something looks this scary when it's smiling, you know it's a manly beast.
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#2 - Hippo - The hippo is the most dangerous animal in the whole world. They attack people for fun. They will crush your head as if it were a watermelon. Even crocodiles are scared of these vicious animals. Dominance is strictly based on size, so the largest and fattest hippo gets his own personal harem to follow him where ever he goes. Seriously dangerous and seriously manly.
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#1 - Gorilla - Gorillas are a lot like us, at least genetically. Except a gorilla has more body hair and is always pissed. They strike manly poses and beat their chests to establish dominance. The term silverback itself is a term for the guy that gets all the girls. I once saw a gorilla at zoo, and I shit you not, it tore chunks of land and threw it at us. Huge chunks of dirt and grass being flung at the spectators at about 70 mph. The kids there got scared shitless. I even peed myself a little bit. The gorilla just sat there staring at us with this pissed off look, and proceed to rip off more chunks of land! That was my queue to check out the giraffes.
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