How to be a Crappy Neighbor

published October 20, 2009

I thought I'd take a day to whine and complain more than usual. I live in a downstairs apartment and I sure have some shitty upstairs neighbors. I've lived in many apartments, and I know the basics about how to be a good and respectful neighbor. These people upstairs never got the memo. If ever you've lived in apartment or plan on living in apartment, please, do not do these things on this list. This is a must read, especially for my shitty-ass upstairs neighbors whom I have never met, but might end up mysteriously disappearing.

One of the more professional ways to get revenge on a bad neighbor.

 

Stomp Walking - I don't know if this guy or gal upstairs is morbidly obese, but he seems to walk and put every ounce of his kinetic bodily energy on the downward motion of his heel. The result is a loud thump everywhere he goes. For some strange reason, he's always walking around, always. It's so easy to walk without creating an earthquake for every step you take, unless of course you are morbidly obese, in which case you are partially forgiven.

Quite possibly my upstairs neighbor.

 

Your Shitty Ass Barking Dogs - I actually like dogs - most of them. I just hate being waken up every morning at 6 am by the obnoxious barking of two or three of them as they go out for their first of 3 daily walks. This is no ordinary bark either, it is a medium-high pitched bark at the top of their lungs consistently for about a minute. Most dogs I've had experienced get excited about walks, but don't bark excessively and non-stop. I've entertained thoughts of several bullets in the heads of each of these dogs, preferably from the gun of someone that isn't me.

 

Door Slamming - I know for a fact this pisses off most people in the world, and apparently my upstairs neighbors like to slam every door, including the bathroom door and every kitchen cupboard. I've had this secretly angering me since college, when the earliest housemate to wake up slams the door after he heads to his 7am class. You may have seen the wonderful to counter this. This is another all too easy thing to stop. Close the door like a civilized human being, don't slam it. It's not that fucking hard.

 

Your Shitty Ass Music - Why do neighbors always like the shittiest music in existence and want to play it as loud as the stereo gets? They got neighbors on all sides of them, and they still bump their shitty ass music, usually with the bass turned up all the way. Thankfully my current upstairs neighbor does not do this, but my last downstairs neighbor sure did. For hours straight, it would just be a thump - thumpthump. Thump - thumpthump. This may have been acceptable in the college days, but please, you may love the shit out of that jam, but no one else does.

 

Snoring - This almost certainly takes the cake as far as how horrible my upstairs neighbor is. I can hear his snoring, and can feel the vibration of it. Now, I certainly snore, but it isn't foundation shaking. There is nothing worse than trying to sleep when you can hear (and feel) snoring, especially if you don't know or like them. My goodness, I just want to anonymously put a breathe right strip at this guys door.

Ok, I've been guilty too.

 

The Whiny Neighbor - Most people have had this neighbor. The one who complains about your noise, or pounds the upstairs with their broom when they are displeased. This neighbor is the reason I have not complained to my upstairs neighbor, because I don't want to become the whiny neighbor that I harbor so much hate for. You've had these assholes at campgrounds too. The ones that come over when you're having a great time with friends you haven't seen in years, and bitch about your noise. Yeah, they suck.

 

The Stairs Blockers - Oh I'm so sorry, you getting your cigarette smoking ass to stand up and make a path for me is such an inconvenience for you. You and your disreputable looking friends chillin and blocking the whole stairs because you're too damn loser to find a place to hang. I almost have to carry a huge ass illegal knife with me so you don't steal my beer when I come back, lest ye wish to be Jokercized. Find a disreputable bar, that's what I do.

La Raza, mang.

 

The Movie Sound System Buff - They may not want to spend much on their place of dwelling, but they own the speakers big enough to supply a stadium. I've been relatively lucky to not have experienced this neighbor too much, but I have seen instances where you could hear the movie - across a lake. That's right, every house on the lake this particular evening could hear this loud ass movie, and it was definitely Michael Bay-ish type material. Explosions, screaming, dialogue you could hear as well as the buddy you're talking to.

 

The Excessive Sports Fan - I could potentially be guilty of this, because when my sports team does bad, I will occasionally scream an obscenity. And compared to the other evils, I find this more forgivable than most. But sometimes you'll have the douchebag neighbors who go balls to the walls nuts with the screaming. The excessively loud "OHHHH" or the "GO! GO! GO! WOOOOOOOOO!" are the most common yells. I haven't experienced this one too often since college, but they are out there.

There's nothing quite like a guy who spent 3 hours on his team's facepaint watching his team lose..

 

The ones I may have missed: The Pukers, The Loud Sexers, The Arguing Couple

So remember kids, be a good and courteous neighbor. It's not that hard.

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