The 7 Best "Calvins"

published June 6, 2009

I cannot tell a lie, I think 'Calvin' is a fantastic name for your firstborn. That said, I've put together a list of the 7 best Calvins in the history of everything!

Not featured in this article: John Calvin, last name as Calvin doesn't count.

Calvin (& Alvin) Harrison - Harrison barely makes this list because he's got a gold medal for the US of A in the 2000 Summer Olympics at Sydney. It was a wonderful story, two twins, Calvin and Alvin from Salinas CA, come from a rough upbringing, going homeless for a while, and then win a gold medal in the 4 man relay. On top of the world, the Harrisons authored a book about their feel-good story. Unfortunately, in 2003 he received a 2 year ban for using a performance enhancing drug, and in 2008 he had his gold medal stripped when a teammate (Antonio Pettigrew) on the USA relay team admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But godammit, it was a good story at the time!

Say what you will, glory is still wonderful, even if proved undeserved 8 years later.

Calvin Klein - Ok fashion is a topic I know little about. Ok, nothing about. What I do know, is that he has a huge clothing and fragrance line, and I think that it may have something to do with models and stuff. Also he was featured in the "Vagina Song" by the Bloodhound gang, as one of the words that rhyme with vagina... kinda.

Me last night, thinking about the other Calvins.

Calvin Borel - Look, horse racing is not a sport, nor is it entertaining unless your paycheck is on one of the horses, and if you lose you get your legs cut off and if you win you become a successful interviewer on CNN (Larry King). But it is a decent gambling pastime, and if there was one to bet on, it would be Calvin Borel. It doesn't matter what horse he's riding, he just seems to win. He may win the triple crown this weekend but that is yet to be seen.

pictured above: A tiny hick that makes horses run fast

Calvin Coolidge - Now we get to the meat and potatoes of the "calvin" world. This was the exceptionally uncharismatic 30th president of the United States. Just because he was a US president, doesn't mean he makes it as high as 4 on the Calvin list. The main reason is because of who voted against him in 1924 (see below). The fact that those states voted him against him, makes me think he was not that bad.

Big ups to WIsconsin, La Follette was a P I M P.

Calvin Broadus (Snoop Dogg) - Snoop Dogg is easily one of my top 10 favorite rappers. Songs like "Gin & Juice, " Ain't no Fun," "Murder was the Case," and 40 more hits have brought much joy to mine and mine own. Not to mention that he's a little league coach, a porn producer, marijuana lover, movie star, and holder of one of TV's best quotes, "F*ck Bill O'Reilly."

One of my favorite moments in internet lore,

Cal Ripken - Rookie of the Year, MVP, Gold Glover, World Champion, oh and not to mention 2,632 games played in a row. He took the Lou Gehrig unbeatable record of most games played in a row, and made it more unbeatable by 500 more games. This is solidified his position as the best living and non-fictitious Calvin in the history of everything.

Imagine if he got Lou Gehrig's disease. They'd have to rename it Cal Ripken's disease.

Calvin & Hobbes - To top Ripken is tough, but it definitely takes a fictitious Calvin to win. It's hard to explain how awesome Calvin, the Calvin, in a mere blurb. But in short, he is imaginative and profound. Bill Watterson created a character that no one can hate, and that is difficult. The Archnemesis usually finds a way to hate everyone and everything , but I still love Calvin & Hobbes. To support Bill Watterson, I urge you to never ever buy one of those Calvin peeing on something bumper stickers, those are pathetic. Buy Watteron's books, because he deserves it for bringing Calvin to us all.

Sorry ya'll, but I love Calvin too.

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