Bad Ad Campaigns (and how to punish them)

published June 19, 2009

We Americans are subject to an overwhelming amount of advertising. The average 30 minute TV block has 8 minutes of advertising. Most of these advertisements use cheap tricks to get your attention, an issue I'll address another day. Here are five ad campaign that send me into a murderous rage, and the alternative we should support because their ad campaigns (and products) are far superior.

HORRIBLE AD CAMPAIGN #1 - Subway - I abhor the "5 dollar footlong" jingle, especially when they get the jingle montage of gospel singers, jazz bassist, tattooed rocker chick etc. Not to mention the recent attempt to team up with the miserable movie "Land of the Lost," and talk to the rubber suited lizard creatures. Do you also remember Jared Fogle? That was courtesy of Subway. Not to mention their horrible placed cheeses, their plastic single layer of meat and their cardboard type bread make this a horrific eating experience. The footlong should be renamed to the "Lettuce Sandwich." For a pictorial example of what I think of the Subway footlong see this

As found in a Subway. See this comic written regarding the triangle cheese topic.

ALTERNATIVE TO SUBWAY: - Pizza Hut - I cannot think of a Pizza Hut ad that has been intrusive or annoying. Their ads basically tell you what they have, and how much it is. They even have one poking fun at the 5 dollar "Lettuce sandwich." They offer a $5 P-Zone which I find mighty delicious. Even Quizno's is offering a $4 footlong, and their sandwiches have real cheese, bread with seeds, and somewhat tasty meats (although sometimes a couple ants too).

"Put it in me Scott."

HORRIBLE AD CAMPAIGN #2 - Progressive Insurance - You know this one. That silly pale red lipsticked bitch jibbing with various douchebags (and occasional douchebaguette), attempting pitifully to conjure up a chuckle, and producing nothing but the taste of bile in my mouth.

Her actual name is "Flo," which leads me to believe that the scripts for these commercials were written with used women's tampons.

ALTERNATIVE TO PROGRESSIVE: Geico - While Geico has an occasional bile inducing moment, the majority are decent and occasionally chuckle inducing. While "I just saved 15% on my car insurance," has been completely overused as a joke, it does mean that it was enough of a phenomena to appear in a lot of mainstream programming. The caveman campaign is among my favorites, and it even produced a sitcom (which failed miserably). The mild mannered-British accented gecko is far more charming then "Flo." A colonic has produced better commercials than Progressive Insurance.

If you know what is pictured above, then that is my reaction to Progressive Insurance Commercials.

HORRIBLE AD CAMPAIGN #3: Corona - Not only is this one of the most horrible tasting beers, even with a slice of lime, but the ad campaigns are, for a lack of a better word, stupid. Usually it consists of a man and a woman on a lawn chair at a tropical beach, and a pager being thrown into the ocean, or lime being squirted into a the guy for admiring another woman's body, or some other 'twist'. But with the commercials being miles away from good, and the beer being miles away from tasty, and most of us miles away from a tropical beach, I'll take an O'douls over a Corona.

Le'sigh

ALTERNATIVE TO CORONA: Dos Equis -His reputation is expanding faster than the universe! He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels! He lives vicariously through himself! He is the most interesting man in the world! He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis! This is one of the few ad campaigns that make me actually seek the product that it sells. And I'l be damned if the stuff he does isn't interesting!

 

First of all, he's winning at some interesting sport, then he leads an international dinner party into a creepy area, he practices samurai maneuvars in Japan, and he escapes on a boat with 4 contestants of a beauty pageant. To me, that's pretty damn interesting.

HORRIBLE AD CAMPAIGN #4: McDonalds - I swear the people in charge of marketing at McDonalds are completely out of touch with the American public. It's hard to even start where their commercials suck because they are all vomit inducing. They go for quantity over quality. You have these retarded jingles with the "all beef patties lettuce onion on a sesame seed bun," which are completely cringeworthy. You have these retarded McCafé commercials, where "anything is possiblé." You have the hip black spoken word jazz hipsters yip yapping about how much they like McDonalds coffee. McDonald's has exposed us to several days worth of their filth, and I'm not even talking about their food!

Buck buck buck buckAH, I'm lovin' it!

ALTERNATIVE TO McDONALD'S: Burger King - While the food is only a fraction tastier, at least the ad campaigns are much better. I find the creepiness of "The King" refreshing. And when Star Trek came out, I admit a chuckled a but when I saw the first "Kingons" commercial. They caused a bit of an uproar with a 'Baby Got Back' version of Spongebob's square butt, and the "Texican" whopper ads, and when people get pissed, it's free publicity! I also stand by the fact that the Whopper is fact superior to the Big Mac.

HORRIBLE AD CAMPAIGN #5: Classmates.com - Who would pay for a service to see which douchebags you went to highschool are also stupid enough to pay for this service? The answer is 1.5 million people. We've been inundated with these online ads with "She married HIM?!?" and those old high schoolers with 80's hair. I can see this idea working in the pre-friendster era, when you wanted to see if that hottie in your class suddenly wants to reveal her secret love for you and then you escape to Mexico and drink Coronas and have sex for 3 years straight.

A more honest ad.

ALTERNATIVE TO CLASSMATES.COM: Facebook - Yeah this is pretty obvious. Classmates.com has since been sued over and over again for people signing up and finding no classmates. Facebook has you finding the randomest jokers that you ever known, from even as deep as elementary school. The classmates are quite easy, not only can you find them, but you can spy on them and create eleborate plots to destroy them. We at The Archnemesis do not condone such behavior.

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