The Worst Star Wars Side Characters
published November 21, 2009
Well for every good, there's a bad. For every yin - a yang, and for every wonderful meal - a shit. Star Wars has such a huge array of intriguing characters that there's bound to be awesome ones (Jabba, Yoda, Han) and shitty ones (Young Ani, Jar-Jar, Watto). Yesterday we went over the best of the side characters with tiny parts, today we go over the shitty side characters.
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Rune Haako - This cowardly and sniveling alien was the lieutenant to Nute Gunray. His input to every situation was "we should not have done this," or "we should not have done that." Too late homes, it's been done, so stop sniveling like a dying dog.
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Max Rebo - This guy takes the cake as the fakest looking alien of all time. Even the horrible CG of the Star Wars re-releases looked more real than this blue elephant teddy bear with buttons sewed into the eyes. Also its little trunk moves when it laughs. Not to mention the fact that his music kinda stunk compared to the Cantina Band. The original music wasn't so bad, but the re-released music was effing horrible. Then we had this next horrible side character dancing to his music...
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6 Breasted Woman - Jabba had some thin, nice looking Twi'leks around and even made Princess Leia as hot as she'd ever been, so his taste in women was decent. Or so we thought. It boggles the mind why this hideous specimen with 6 breasts, a horrendous face wart, disgusting hair, and a hundred pounds of extra blubber traipsing around. Three breasts is quite okay, but 6 gets a little nasty. It might just be all that blubber and unibrow though.
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Porkins - Can you think of a more appropriate name for a fat worthless pilot? He turned down the sound advice of pulling up thinking he could 'hold it.' He was immediately proven wrong and promptly slain as he deserved. Such a failure.
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Boss Nass - At first I didn't hate him too much. That is until he decided to make the worst character in the Star Wars universe a general. Yes he made the clumsy accident prone and completely unfunny Jar Jar, who was once banished from their home city - a general. And is the Huberbalerbalerbalerbalerbalerbalerbalerbaler necessary before saying something mildly important?
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Quadinaros - Ben Quadrinaros not only officially got last place in the pod races when his pod failed to start, but he resembled a diamond shaped Humpty Dumpty with Down Syndrome. That's about all it takes for me to dislike him.
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Admiral Ozzel - This pathetic admiral of the empire dared question Vader - twice. Both times Vader was right. Vader promptly choked him telekinetically and noted that he 'was as clumsy as he was stupid.' A simple task and the rebels could've been finished, but of course he fucked it up and paid the ultimate price.
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Dack - Nice job in taking on the whole empire yourself, buddy. To his credit, he helped get one of them Imperial Walkers down, but that credit belongs more to Luke than this lackey. He looked dead when the ship took a minor hit, but he was probably just being a pussy. If so, then at least he got squashed.
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Mon Mothma - Thank goodness for Admiral Ackbar to save the rebels from the gloomy doom of the speech from Mon Mothma. It is also to be said that Mon Mothma was a miserable failure. Many Bothan spies died to bring her information, and it was wrong information. The Emperor had set it up all along. She got played and set up the most ambitious attack based on wrong information. It is pure luck that the rebels won that fight. She should've still been fired on the spot. She also has that concerned parent look. You know, the type of woman who joins MADD and calls to complain about racy programming on TV.
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Bail Organa - This was smallest role for a well known actor in the series. He didn't do shit but take Leia because he'd always wanted a daughter. He had no personality and little to no effect on anything besides raising Princess Leia. He just walked around in douchey outfits and acted all political.
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This Guy - This guy decides to walk up to some subordinates doing work, sniffing over their shoulder, and then says his only line. "Inform the commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived." This guy looks no more than 18 years old and he's barking orders at veterans who are probably 5 steps ahead of him. One simple line, and so much suckitude was shown. That doesn't even compare to the next guys in the same movie.
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"Freeze!" Guy and "You Rebel Scum" Guy - This picture illustrates who these jerks were in case you did not know. That guy who Han pwned over the ledge was the most worthless guy ever. The guy jumped before the thing actually hit him and then he did the most common scream in all of film - The Wilhelm Scream (see a ). This followed up by Stormtroopers and the jerk that says to Han's face, "You rebel scum." What a jerk!
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The Younglings - Ah the poor younglings. They are the most pathetic in all the movies. Little Jedi in training, and all murdered by the bad Annie Skywalker. Come on, I know kids aren't this worthless. There's 20 of the god damn kids all with light sabers. Either run the hell away or mob this asshole who is systematically killing every one of you! Trained by the Grandmaster Yoda himself, and these little shits just end up dead.
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