What The Hell, Newt Gingrich?

published July 10, 2009

Where I once had a shred of respect for this former Speaker of the House, it was erased as soon as I visited his website, newt.org. Suddenly the flood of negative emotions rolled over me and I remembered all the complete and utter bullshit he's spewed throughout his career. From his feigned outrage over the Clinton blowjob, to denying that waterboarding is torture, we've learned one thing - Newt needs to disappear. I believe him to be smarter than he appears, unfortunately his true crime is that he thinks that you are all complete idiots.

Just check out these gems taken straight from the front page of his website.

Yes, you're reading that correctly. Real Change Requires Real Change. And real pasta requires real pasta. This stupid idiotic catchphrase is stupid and idiotic. Can't someone of such high rank think of something better than this pathetic phrase that is pathetic. I mean, really, real retardation requires real retardation. Bad phrase is bad. In essence, that catchphrase sums up all that is wrong with today's Republican Party - childish catchphrases and zero substance. Americans are not as dumb as Newt perceives them to be (at least not all of them). And if this catchphrase wasn't stupid enough, check this one out.

That's right. Obama -hijacked- "change". It's difficult to begin to describe how idiotic and ludicrous this statement is. I love action-verbing concepts. Let's go rape sympathy. Let's go molest treason. How about we go out and terrorize superficiality. Nothing better to do on a Friday night than to dance the racism away. Also the use of the word "Hijack." This word inspires negative emotion, like terrorists hijacking a plane and crashing into a skyscraper. MY GOD! THIS IS WHAT OBAMA IS DOING TO "CHANGE!"

I think this is a fairly accurate representation of the feeling Newt is trying to instill into us.

 

Newt doesn't think waterboarding is torture. I'd like Jesse Ventura to waterboard him for an hour and see what sort of confessions he can get out of ol' Newtie. Newt got his panties in a bundle over the whole Bil Clinton blowjob scandal. His partners in outrage were none other than Larry "Bathroom buttsex" Craig, and Mark "Argentinean broads are way hotter than my wife" Sanford. (Thank you Colbert)

Well, I decided to do a couple of changes to Newt's banner.

Yeah, that looks better. Well Newt, there we have it. Newt Gingrich is a douchebag who's trying to fool you into his twisted agenda, whatever it may be. It probably involves banning brown and yellow people, converting everyone into Christianity, making his and his own uber-rich, and action-verbing the shit out of some concepts.

Newt Gingrich is now the second best Newt, Nute Gunray is 1st.

Now Mike Huckabee, Orrin Hatch, and Bill O'Reilly are the only republicans The Archnemesis likes.

* * * * *