Fergie's Face

published August 2, 2009

I make similar faces when I take a painful shit.

The Black Eyed Peas broke into the scene in 2003 with their hit album "Elephunk" which I own. It was all in all a decent album with some danceable tunes. This group also featured this skinny white girl with the voice of a Jamaican. Upon first glance, she was gorgeous woman with a slammin body. But something wasn't right. Something was in fact quite wrong... and disturbing.

Cool rings Fergie. They sure detract attention from your LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.

She is always featured at a distance, or at a weird angle, or with huge facial accessories, like Huell Howser sunglasses. Then it happened, I saw a close-up of her face. I was horrified. How could such a slammin' body have such a butterface? I then learned the truth.

Butterface - everything looks good... but her face.

Stacy Ann Ferguson (Fergie) was born on March 27, 1975. Her face was born about 23 years earlier. Her face goes through phases, much like a bacteriophage goes from the lytic to the lysogenic phase. Her face goes from filthy saggy grandma face in the summer, to botox induced weird eyebrow phase in the winter. Her face is a lot like the country of Iceland (except Iceland is actually really pretty). The spring heat melts her face and causes avalanches and the winter cold holds it still.

Unfortunately, they don't make sunglasses big enough to cover the entire face. Her lovely lady lumps are apparently between her collar bone and her cheekbone.

She also puts on enough make-up to make eastern european NBA stars beautiful. This may not be recommended as Fergie has a profuse sweating problem. I call it a "piss your pants" problem.

Never has female sweat been so unsexy.

Fergie also embarked on a solo career, leaving her oddly colored co-peas in the dust and coming up with such gems as "Glamorous" and "Fergalicious." Fergalicious is a testament to how gorgeous she thinks she is. Upon viewing her face, the song should perhaps be renamed Fergavicious, or Ferganasty.

Hey she doesn't look too bad in the middle pic.. OH MY GOD THOSE HANDS.

Fergie also has this habit of spelling shit out. In the Black eyed Peas hit, "Let's Get Retarded" she graces us with the spelling of the word 'retarded' for those of us who actually are retarded. She also spells out the word "Glamorous," since most people that actually are glamorous cannot spell. Thanks Fergie!

Look at her eyebrow ring, look at her weird ass hat - anything to divert attention away from her face!

Back to the issue at hand, her disgusting face. There are plenty of gorgeous bodies in the world with so-so faces. Fergie takes it to the next level. Her face is so nasty, I can no longer find any attraction to the rest of her body, even if she pisses herself. Her face is so nasty, that I despise the songs I once loved because they remind me of her face. Her face is so nasty, that I am not even attracted to the famous "MILF" from the American Pie movies anymore because they look alike.

Fergie - I abhor you.

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