The Failed Monsters of D&D

published September 16, 2009

In 1979, the fledgling pen and paper game of Dungeons and Dragons was gaining popularity. What they needed though, was more monsters! Since the game was so new, they couldn't exactly hire the greatest artists for this new folio of fiends. The result was mixed. Big time D&D guys like Gary Gygax and Ed Greenwood called this "Fiend Folio" a disappointment, but did offer some compliments. As I sifted through this folio, I could quickly see why so many of these monsters were failures. Here are 15 of the strangest and weirdest failed monsters in the Fiend Folio that failed, in alphabetical order.

Al-Mi'Raj - It's easy to see the failure of this monster. It's a rabbit unicorn, and it has a horrible Arabian name. Just call it a bunnycorn or something. Still, if you thought unicorns were for wussies, imagine the implications of bunnycorns.

Assassin Bug - These are 2 foot tall bugs that walk on their hind legs. It's like if Jeff Goldblum was a midget in the movie "The Fly." I'd imagine a good way to fend off this monster is to take a shit on the floor, and watch as the monster eagerly goes through your manure.

Blindheim - These froglike creatures with headlights in their eyeballs seem to be named after a city in Nazi Germany where all the blind people were herded to.

Carbuncle - This monster is exactly what it looks like. An armadillo with a ruby on it's forehead. It doesn't matter if this creature is real or in a D&D world, this thing would be extinct in a heartbeat.

Clubnek - Beware the ferocious ostrich monster! Perhaps if you wore your goggles, you'd probably be safe from this creature.

Cryonax - To say that this monster failed would probably be unfair. He is the main bad guy in almost every Japanese tentacle porn.

Denzelian - So that's where Denzel got his name from! He was named after a slow moving peaceful rock eating creature that poses no threat to any adventurer!

Flail Snail - The only thing scarier than a giant slug, is a giant slug with armor and a flail for a head! I hope you brought several bales of salt.

Flumph - I don't even know man. Looks like some sort of a jellyfish that floats on air and has a couple eyestalks. Apparently one of it's attacks are squirting foul liquid at you. Sounds like something teachers at special needs schools go through every day.

Gambado - Why this skull creature has such an Italian name, I do not know. I just keep picturing this skull creature saying Italian things like "Bada Boom," and "Go get your shine box."

Gorbel - I especially like the discomfort on the face of the victim of this picture. "Ah damn it, someone pop this balloon with claws before it scratches me some more!"

Kamadan - Hmm, how can we make a huge leopard more ferocious. How about 6 snakes coming out of it's neck! Of course! It would probably be hard to rear children as a Kamadan, what with the poisonous snakes biting your baby everytime your try to lick them.

Lava Children - To your shock, you stumble upon a large man, with the face of Alfred E. Neumann. You certainly will have no need for worry in this situation.

Shocker - I'm not altogether sure if 2 in the pink and 1 in the stink existed in 1979. Nonetheless, this monster's magic fingers could probably send a woman into an orgasmic trance, you know, once they see through this monster's ugly exterior and find out it just wants to be loved.

Tirapheg - This looks like an unfortunate case of pin the nail on the tripedal hermaphrodite. I don't know about you guys, but I dabble in that game every Festivus. Yes this monster has three arms, three legs and three heads. Adventurers would probably laugh as this creature stumbles over itself and impales itself on it's own spikes.

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