The Facebook Friends You Hate (And Love)

published October 19, 2009

I am the first to admit I am a bit addicted to facebook. The problem is, a couple people can make it a horrible experience, so many stay away. First off, most people are agreeable and quite nice. I emphasize this, most are enjoyable and even slightly interesting. It's always good to get a comment or a "I Like This" on the bullshit you post. Well, at least the bullshit I post. There is however a plague of shitty facebook users that account for 60% of updates. I may like the person, but sometimes, I sure hate their fucking updates. Here are some of these personas.

 

The Hater (I Hate Everything That is Popular) - This is basically aimed at one guy. He's the guy who loves to talk shit on everything people love. Hey, that new Watchmen movie was pretty cool - he thinks everyone who likes it has Down Syndrome. Hey, I sure want to see "Where the Wild Things Are," - he thinks you are a a retard, and he will let you know about it. He was funny at one point in his life, but no longer, desperately clinging to his one time funniness through controversial opinions. This might be me as well.

An uplifting story that speaks to everyone's soul, I sure HATE ITl

 

The Baby Complainer - I can't sleep because my god damn baby kept me up. Poor fucking you. My baby has a brain infection, awww too fucking bad. Look, I'm not against propagating the human species, I'm just against babies turning awesome people into complainy, whiny bitches. You may love the fuck out of your baby, but no one else does.

They need to do way instain mother, who kill thier babbys, because these babby cant frigth back?

 

The Baby Complainer Enabler - Honestly the most angry I ever get in life is when people express sympathy to the baby complainers. "Oh, I hope it gets better," or "It was the same with my baby Jeremy," piss me off more than the people talking about their babies. The worst is that I know most of these people to be offensive and opinionated fucks, they just choose to be sympathetic dickjerks.

Oh the anger!

 

The Self Promoter - For the most part we love these assholes. Hell, I am one of those assholes. But god damn, must you tell everyone about every fucking show, every concert, every article, every dick you're sucking?? We want to hear about the person, not their next concert. Their whole life is the next show, and that's not what we care about.

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, you're playing a show somewhere.

 

The Women I Love (who never update) - Most males will have 5-10 of these women among their facebook friends. They're the women you are in love with and you hope will send you a "Let's make love" message. Unfortunately, it will never happen. In fact, they probably aren't "single" as their profile suggests. They don't give a shit about anything you ever have to say, because they are busy banging hot guys.

If she sees this, maybe she will bang me. Most likely she won't see it and if she did see would be extremely creeped out. Fucking women.

 

The Sports Shit-Talker - Look, I love sports as much as anyone, even more than most. The motherfuckers who talk shit to their friends who happen to be going against their team are the worst in all of facebook (especially if they're Yankee fans). You've had a whole god-damn season to talk shit, but you only do so if your team is winning in the playoffs. Most of the asshats are fairweather fans, who know nothing of their sport unless their daddy's team has made the world series. Fuck the Yankees, and fuck the Lakers. There, I said it. Go to hell - facebook sports shit talkers.

I dislike the Angels too, but seriously, I hate this guy so much, but he's still my friend.

 

The Wrist-Slasher - Woe is me. Life presents nothing but despair and depression to me while others get infinite happiness. Their facebook updates are vague and depressing. Sometimes people wonder what in the hell they are talking about, but their worry is enough to keep these people from actually slashing their wrists.

Today was as horrible as yesterday.

 

The Applicator (mafia wars, pirates etc) - Holy god damn shit, I know you've reached level 89 in Mafia wars, but is there anything else in your life? Usually not, because the only updates we get from these guys is how good they're doing at facebook games. It's really easy to remove that option, but they insist upon everyone knowing how good they are at 'Pirates'. Please, tell me about your baby, or your sports team, anything except your fucking 'Yoville character".

Help me Confront Agostino Cleto.

 

The Lazy Activist - Look, I really appreciate your political links. Hell I usually comment and "like" them. But beyond your posting them, you never have any opinions on them whatsoever. You'll get a flood of comments due to the controversial nature of the post, but you never respond. Hey, I'm guilty of this too, but show your 'friends' some respect. Have a discussion about it rather than post and piss-off.

Seriously, fuck the 'English' system.

 

The Public Messenger - This one shocks me as some people actually do not realize that when they send someone a public message, that everyone in the public can read it. For me, it is one guy in particular who sent "personal" messages to almost all his facebook friends reminding them it was his birthday. I am certain he meant them to be private, because there were questionable statements about his girlfriend. Nonetheless, they were enjoyable - but probably uncomfortable topics of conversation to everyone he/she knew for the next few weeks.

 

The "What The Hell Are You Talking About"? - I hate these so much. These are the posts that say nothing. "Today sucked so much!" Okay, today sucked, tell us why. We don't give a shit about today sucking, we want to know why. These vague updates piss everyone off, and most people will even comment a "what happened" or "Why" and they will not get a response. To those of you out there that post these vague posts, be a little detailed, don't make us think that your parents died when in fact you just had a bad airplane meal.

 

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