The Dark Meaning of Your Favorite Songs

published August 17, 2009

Many of your favorite songs are not what you think they are. In fact, they are far darker and depressing. This is not even close to a complete list, but it is a partial list of some of our favorite songs, and the true dark meaning behind them.

Sarah McLachlan - Angel - Sarah McLachlan loves animals, peace, and LSD. This song is about her love of LSD, aka "Angel Dust" and how much she loves the embrace of this drug. Now I am no proponent of LSD, but this song sure makes me want to be "in the arms of an angel."

LSD - It's like this.

 

Anita Ward - Ring My Bell - I will admit, I don't know much about women, but I do know that they love receiving oral sex. This song is simply about a woman (Anita Ward) putting away dishes so that her man can relax and vigorously ring her bell (lick her clitoris). Medically, the clitoris and the clitoral hood resemble a bell, hence "Ring my Bell."

Yeah baby, click my mouse.

 

Seal - Kiss From a Rose - As the great Rick James said, "Cocaine is a helluva drug." Singers love it enough to write songs entirely dedicated to it, as this song does. It's depressing because I've never had an acid explosion on my face, I've never been addicted to cocaine, and I've never boinked a chick as hot as Heidi Klum.

A picture of Heidi Klum and large herpe sore.

 

The Police - Every Breath you Take - As much as I want this song to be about keeping our vigilant eye on Communism, it simply isn't. Sting has publicly said that this song is about an obsessive stalker similar to the way I stalk Bristol Palin. Err, disregard previous statement.

Bristol update: She is sitting down watching television and casually sipping a bottle of Evian water.

 

Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA - When I first heard this song, I thought, man this guy sure loves pornography in the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found out this song is just an anti-Vietam war anthem. It is about a man's shame to be an American, and not pride as many think it is.

The cover that I wish happened.

 

Madonna - Like a Virgin - If you've seen you know the meaning of the song. If you haven't, I'll tell you bluntly. It's about a woman who has sex with someone with such a huge penis, that it rips her apart as if she was a virgin having sex "for the very first time."

ARGH GO BACK TO 1987!

 

Nirvana - Polly - This song is not about a cute parrot who wants a cracker. This song is one of the most depressing song of all time. So depressing, that I hesitate to tell you what it is about. I read Kurt Cobain's journals, and this song is about a 14 year old girl who was kidnapped, raped and tortured. She had to pretend to enjoy it in order to escape while her captor was getting gas. And people wonder why Kurt Cobain was so depressed that he killed himself...

 

Kelis - Milkshake - This is a song with weird lyrics put to a bumping beat. Many think that it's about a woman shaking her boobs (her milkshake) in order to attract males. In actuality, this song is completely stupid and about a wonderful milkshake that bring customers to her shop. Sorry to disappoint.

The best pair of boobies I've seen in a long time.

 

Randy Newman - Short People - This is one of the more brilliant songs ever written. As implied, it's not about hating short people, it's about discrimination in general - especially racial discrimination. Randy Newman tries to point out how ridiculous it is to hate someone about something they have no control over, like race, height, predisposition for colon cancer (George Carlin) etc. Many of his songs have this type of sarcasm and I recommend you check them out if you have not done so.

Don't mess with short people.

 

Ray Charles - The Night Time is the Right Time - This is one of my favorite songs of all time, but I just cannot shake some of the disturbing lyrics. Several times in the song, it sounds like Charles is saying "The night time is the right time to beat the one you love." Not 'be with'... 'beat'. This song is about Ray Charles beating women so that they can give him the lovin'.

Remember kids, domestic violins hurt everyone.

 

Cindy Lauper - She-Bop - I have a love of Cindy Lauper that makes no sense. This particular song is about female masturbation and was released in 1984, only a couple years after females actually started masturbating.

Dubbed "the G-spot," this a place my friend Jeff Hopson frequents.

 

The Vapors - Turning Japanese - The face men make when they orgasm is euphemistically called "Turning Japanese." This song is not about a guy who embraces the Japanese culture and wants to become one. It is about a guy who whacks off and squints his eyes when his ejaculates.

After my "O" face, I'll show you my lower case "w" face.

 

Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen - This is another song that depresses me, as I know a girl named Eileen who fits this description. You grow up and you have female friends, such as Eileen who was an adorable sweetheart. You grow up, and she becomes a sex addict who gets into drugs, dates jerks, and gets a nickname reserved for Bukkake victims. I will forever say "Come on Eileen" but I will never actually do it.

Achoo!

 

Creedence Clearwater - Have you Ever Seen the Rain - The sight of rain on a sunny day is a beautiful event. Although many suggest this, it is not about the Vietnam War and the rain of napalm. This is about the inevitablility of the band's break-up, which happened less than a year after this song was released.

The 2nd most manliest photo of all time. (1st)

 

Elton John - Tiny Dancer -Okay, I may be stretching here, but one thing I do know is that Elton John is gay. He has no affinity for female ballet dancers. He totally has an affinity for Tony Danza, and desperately wants to make out with him in the back seat of a car on the highway with headlights shining on them. So "hold me closer, Tony Danza."

Hold me closer, Elton John.

 

Peter Paul and Mary - Puff the Magic Dragon - Panic! This song is about marijuana and puffing the 'Magic Dragon.' Unfortunately , this is not the case. This song is about growing up or some crap like that. As much as everyone wants this to be a pro-marijuana anthem, it's just a song about a friendly magical dragon. For these reasons, I despise this song.

Duuude, let's go denver the last dinosaur bro. I mean puff the magic dragon.

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