The Baseball Gods

published July 5, 2009

So often we hear the commentators and baseball analysts mention "The Baseball Gods." Clearly the baseball gods are what bring balance to the game of baseball. The baseball gods are what cause the unassisted triple play, the perfect game, the cycle, the error between Buckner's legs, Kirk Gibson's home run off Eck and so on and so on. The question remains, who and what are the baseball gods and who worships them? Well after extensive research, here's what we came up with.

Jobu - This deity is a true slugger. All you need to do his keep his cigarette lit and his rum filled, and he will help you crush striaght ball very much (albeit bats are afraid of curveballs, those you'll need to rely on yourself). Jobu is known to hex some of his followers that have wronged him (is very bad to steal Jobu's rum, is very bad). While Jobu's followers will hit 35-50 home runs per seasons, they are also prone to prolongued slumps that can last half a season when they do not properly worship Jobu. While generally Caribbean ballplayers follow Jobu, many covert (Travis Hafner).

Jobu Followers: David Ortiz, Carlos Delgado, Magglio Ordonez, Andruw Jones, Vladimir Guerrero, Travis Hafner

Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill!

Ty Cobb - This deity is rumored to once have actually been a ballplayer who played so hard, he rose into baseball heaven (or hell?). You'll recognize the followers of Cobb as the guys with the dirtiest uniforms and the ones that get ejected the most. Cobb followers aren't limited to players, many managers are Cobb worshippers as well. Cobb is always watching the game, and will occasionally strike the calmest and coolest of ballplayers with fits of rage befitting of emperors (Roberto Alomar). Cobb followers usually have wonderful careers that end up overshadowed by other acts in their careers.

Ty Cobb Followers: Pete Rose, Kevin Youkilis, Carlos Zambrano, Lou Pinella, Billy Martin, Bobby Cox

The patented "Ty Cobb Solar Plexus" kick.

Red Man - Red Man is a chewing tobacco mascot and baseball god. Red Man suffered a decline in the later 80's and 90's when the signature 'mouthful of chew' was deemed to be bad for you. That hasn't fazed all ballplayers from sporting the black rock in their mouths. Some players take a "Red Man Light" approach to following Red Man, going with a mouthful of sunflower seeds or bubble gum. The deity Red Man is engrained in the culture of baseball, and while many struggle to explain why people chew, the answer is simply this - Red Man wills them to.

Red Man Followers: Nick Swisher, Lenny Dykstra, Terry Francona, Will Clark, Ramon Castro

Red Man has statues up in cigar stores all over the world.

The Goat - The reviled baseball god, "The Goat," is the enigma of the baseball gods. His influence still effects the Chicago Cubs to this day. The Goat has taken a recent liking to the New York Mets. While everyone makes errors and mistakes, The Goat is responsible for the most mind numbing chokes that seemingly make no sense. While many despise The Goat, many consider it to be a necessary part of baseball. The Goat has been known as the baseball god of revenge, though who knows what the Cubs did to offend it so much.

The Goat Followers: No ballplayers follow The Goat, but The Goat has taken a liking to the Chicago Cubs, Luis Castillo, the Pre-2004 Red Sox, the post 2004 Yankees, the Pirates, the 2009 New York Mets.

The Goat works in mysterious ways.

Shoeless Joe Jackson - The legend of Shoeless Joe Jackson is that in the 1919 World Series, his team blew it on purpose. Shoeless Joe was banned from the sport, despite batting .375, 30 put outs with no errors, and throwing out 5 base runners. Rumored to have been illiterate and not a knowing participant of the scandal, he played like he loved the game. The followers of Shoeless Joe, while they may not be the best ever, are ones that love the game and play like it. They study baseball, they breathe baseball and are usually baseball purists.

Shoeless Joe Jackson Followers: Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson, Albert Pujols, Juan Pierre, Roy Halladay, Grady Sizemore, Orlando Hudson

Is this Iowa? No, it's heaven.

Mighty Casey - This baseball god is the true favorite of sluggers. The followers of Mighty Casey will his a ton of home runs, but also get into a lot of strikeouts. The credo is to swing as hard as you can at every pitch. If you hit it, it will go a mile. That's a big -if- though. They will be prone to large strikeout totals, from 125 to 200+. Many will go on to be post season failures because of this credo. In the playoffs you face the best pitchers aka the ones that strike you out the most. Some followers of Mighty Casey have beaten this mini-curse of the followers (Mr. October).

Mighty Casey Followers: Reggie Jackson, Adam Dunn, Chris Davis, Carlos Pena, Ryan Howard, Jack Cust, Mark Reynolds

"And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout; But there is no joy in Mudville? mighty Casey has struck out."

Balcor - This is the evilest of baseball gods, akin to the selling of your soul to the devil. Balcor is rumored to have been in existence since the 50's, but his heaviest influence seems to have started in the 80's and well into the 2000's. Balcor is a god with a huge forehead, that offers hall of fame numbers to baseball players. The followers of Balcor usually try to deny his existence, but the evidence is strong, and usually embarassing.

Followers of Balcor: Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Ken Caminiti, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, Jose Canseco

Here is my rendering of what I think Balcor looks like.

 

Other potential baseball gods:

Eddie Gaedel - the little warrior (Dustin Pedroia, Pedro Martinez, David Eckstein)

Peter Gammons - certain to become a baseball god when he dies

The Happy Panda - the baseball god of the jolly fat man (Pablo Sandoval, Benny Agbayani, the Molina brothers)

Benjamin - Not necessarily a baseball god, but the god of the 'dolla dolla bill ya'll' (A-Rod, Mark Texeira, CC Sabathia, A.J Burnett)

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