7 People I'd Invite to my Poker Table

originally published July, 2005

1. Charlie Sheen - A friendly dude with tons of great stories about hookers, sex, and various other disreputable deeds this man has been a part of. Perfect for my poker table! He's probably a helluva poker player. He'd be the womanizer of the poker table, probably one of the earlier outs so he can join the rest of the party.

2. Neil Armstrong - A celebrity who disappeared off the face of the earth. Probably has some great "Buzz Aldrin was a prick" stories. Also, we'd put a lil' liquor in him to hear the truth of the moon landing. He'll probably be the biggest prick at our poker table, but every poker table needs a prick.

3. Nolan Ryan - A good poker table needs a legendary baseball player with great sports stories, and since Ty Cobb is dead, we'll settle for Nolan Ryan. Nolan Ryan would be the guy who will keep wanting to play new games over and over again, usually saying the sentence "I feel like going another nan (nine) innings."

4. Ellen Degeneres - Every table needs the gal who doesn't really know how to play, and learns along the way and gets the super duper lucky hands. Ellen is that gal, because not only will she have great celebrations after winning hands, she'd be down to talk about good lookin girls. What male doesn't like taking to lesbians about hot women!

5. Charles Barkley - Every poker table needs the extremely talkative guy who never knows it's his turn unless you point it out to him. Charles Barkley will be so busy talking to the other guests at the table, that he won't be paying that much attention to the game. I'll bet he's got great dirt on Michael Jordan too.

6. Terry Funk - No one will have crazier stories than this wreslting legend. Terry would also serve as the resident old man of the poker table. He will remain relatively quiet, but once in a while will have fantastic comments and/or stories.

7. Bruce Campbell - Then of course we have to have the likeable B-movie actor. No one really wants to read all the way through his whole book, so we'll play poker with him, get him buzzing, and hear the stories from his slightly inebriated mouth. He won't be as disreputable as Charlie Sheen, but far friendlier than all the others.

BONUS - Scarlett Johanson - She won't play poker, she'd be our cocktail waitress. We'll just casually check out her ass everytime she brings us our gin & tonics.

So that, my friends, is the ultimate poker table. A legendary game, with legendary outcomes. However, there is also a Table 2. People that are awesome enough to play poker with, but not quite awesome enough to be in table one. That is a subject for another day.