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The 10 Sexiest Animals
originally published August, 2005

First of folks, I'm not into bestiality and do not condone it. There's just certain animals that get a "rawr" out of me and I think to myself, hey, that animal is sexy. Well for your viewing pleasure or displeasure, I present to you the Top Ten Sexiest animals.

 

10. Skunks.

Specifically, Pepe Le Pew. They get such a bad rep, but remember they only stink when threatened. When content, they are so smooth, and for lack of a better word, sexy.

9. Penguins

Don't let their goofy demeanor fool you. Penguins are dedicated to love and parenthood. They're the type of lover you would call, "Funnyface", and they would rear your children better than any human can.

8. Lampreys

Lampreys are sexy only in the "I look like a sex toy" type way. This one is pure superficiality. Nothin' but good ol' vibratin' golf ball through a hose raw sex here folks.

7. Domestic Cats

'Feline' is not unlike 'female' and the demeanor of cats is feminine, delicate, and sexy. What is is more sexy and soothing than a cat's purr?

6. Koalas

Koalas transcend the world of cute and move into the realm of sexy. They're way to damn loveable, huggable and aborable to be merely considered "cute." Therefore, I declare them... sexy.

5. Dolphin

These are the sexual deviants. No matter what sort of wicked sexual games they'll want to play, you'll always find yourself coming back to them for more because of their jolly attitude.

4. Hippo

Nothing screams out sexy like a healthy mixture of danger and confidence. No matter the size, they remain confident.

3. Owls

Wise, stoic, and always on the lookout. Owls are great providers, and as silent as night. Their hoot makes me feel comfy and secure. Now that, my friends, is sexy.

2. Charlotte (a spider)

Maybe it's her soothing voice, her unique kindness, or her big blue eyes, but Charlotte (from the animated movie Charlotte's web) is a hottie! She is the original big bootie hoe, with an unparalleled streak of kindness. So damn sexy. Because I couldn't find a picture of her, I rendered her in Microsoft Paint.

 

1. The Large Cats

Why do we decorate our beds with stripes of tigers, or wear leopard print clothing. The reason is because we want to have sex with these beasts. It's hard to describe how sexy leopards, cheetah, and tigers (in specific) are. They pretty much are raw sexuality and I'm sure the word probably derives from the way these beasts look.

 

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