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July 22, 2005

The Nakamura special

July 20, 2005

"A Reprehensible Weekend in MS Paint"

by Slappy McGee (appearance by Beau Montaine III)

I recently had one of the most reprehensible weekends of all time with a British pal of mine named Beau Montaine. Here it is, presented in Microsoft Paint.

1. The weekend started out innocently enough. Two smarmy gents going to to the casino's for a fun night of gambling and drinking free drinks. I however have the bright idea to play $5 blackjack.

2. With hands similar to this one, we lose almost all our money the first night. The only consolation was a fantastic buzz from the hours of drinking. The dealer was an extremely unfriendly Romanian guy who didn't want to be there.

3. After checking our remaining funds, we have about enough to 2 extremely cheap handles of whiskey and four 40's.

4. We buy four 40's and two handles of cheap whiskey (Kessler and Good Times to be exact).

5. We enter a drinking binge the likes of which humanity hasn't seen since the late sixties in the Janis Joplin era, while slowly trashing the condo that we're staying at. Beau proceeds to walk around naked incurring my wrath.

6. We watch tons of nature shows whilst our binge continues. We pass out and would've gotten hookers if we had the cash (as per Beau Montaine's request). Beau is sprawled out amongst the couch cushions, naked, and very much unconscious.

7. Repeat steps 5 and 6... 5 more times. That' right, in a span of 40 hours we drink everything and pass out a combined total of 10 times.

8. I got up to see Beau curled up in the fetal position in the shower while it's running. I turn the shower off thinking I saved his life... Beau starts screaming "Turn it back on, turn it back on..." I refuse. We realize it's time to leave the condo, though we are still very much inebriated.

9. The binge ends. We have the worst hangovers in both our lives that lasts about 3 days. I puke on the side of the freeway,and Beau pukes in public bathrooms. We get a 120 dollar cleaning bill from the condo that we stayed at. Thus ends our reprehensible weekend at Lake Tahoe.

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July 19, 2005

by Slappy McGee

"People Who I'd Invite to my Poker Table (if I were a wealthy socialite)"

1. Charlie Sheen - A friendly dude with tons of great stories about hookers, sex, and various other disreputable deeds this man has been a part of. Perfect for my poker table! He's probably a helluva poker player. He'd be the womanizer of the poker table, probably one of the earlier outs so he can join the rest of the party.

2. Neil Armstrong - A celebrity who disappeared off the face of the earth. Probably has some great "Buzz Aldrin was a prick" stories. Also, we'd put a lil' liquor in him to hear the truth of the moon landing. He'll probably be the biggest prick at our poker table, but every poker table needs a prick.

3. Nolan Ryan - A good poker table needs a legendary baseball player with great sports stories, and since Ty Cobb is dead, we'll settle for Nolan Ryan. Nolan Ryan would be the guy who will keep wanting to play new games over and over again, usually saying the sentence "I feel like going another nan (nine) innings."

4. Ellen Degeneres - Every table needs the gal who doesn't really know how to play, and learns along the way and gets the super duper lucky hands. Ellen is that gal, because not only will she have great celebrations after winning hands, she'd be down to talk about good lookin girls. I love talkin to lesbians about other gals, which is why I get along with Female A so well*.

*Female A is actually bisexual, not a lesbian.

5. Charles Barkley - Every poker table needs the extremely talkative guy who never knows it's his turn unless you point it out to him. Charles Barkley will be so busy talking to the other guests at the table, that he won't be paying that much attention to the game. I'll bet he's got great dirt on Michael Jordan too.

6. Terry Funk - No one will have crazier stories than this wreslting legend. Terry would also serve as the resident old man of the poker table. He will remain relatively quiet, but once in a while will have fantastic comments and/or stories.

7. Bruce Campbell - Then of course we have to have the likeable B-movie actor. No one really wants to read all the way hrough his whole book, so we'll play poker with him, get him buzzing, and hear the stories from his slightly inebriated mouth. He won't be as disreputable as Charlie Sheen, but far friendlier than all the others.

8. Myself - Of course the 8th and final spot is for yours truly. (pictured bottom middle)

9. Scarlett Johanson - She won't play poker, she'd be our cocktail waitress. We'll just gawk at her everytime she brings us our gin & tonics and attempt to flirt with her once the game is over and the true partying begins.

So that, my friends, is the ultimate poker table. A legendary game, with legendary outcomes. However, there is also a Table 2. People that are awesome enough to play poker with, but not quite awesome enough to be in table one. That is a subject for another day.

 

 

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July 18, 2005

"Religion vs. Mythology (and the problem with Evangelists)"

By Slappy McGee

As far as I can tell, there is one main problem with evangelists. This problem is they take books way too seriously. They've been condemning Harry Frickin Potter for God's sake (lords name is vain). They say it

Jerry Falwell wants to make sure no children have an imagination, or fun.

preaches witchcraft and black magic to our children. These people actually believe that sorcery, witches, cauldrons, fairies, dragons and the like exist? Good lord (lords name in vain)!! Harry Potter is what most people call "fiction," which is another word for "not true." But when you think about it, these people devote their whole lives to a work of fiction, this of course being "The bible." Oooooooooooh. The bible is a wondrous work of fiction, and it even has some neat stories. Let me tell you little story.

Once upon a time, the most advanced civilization on earth had a religion. They built temples, worshipped, and explained the unexplainable using their gods. These of course were the Ancient Greeks. They had many truly spectacular stories about the gods, including how they would frequently mate with humans and have "half-god" children. Even true historical events, like the sacking of Troy, has the influence of the gods. However time passed, and this religion turned into what is now known as "Mythology."

I find it odd that today's depiction of God looks exactly like Zeus. A big white dude with a long beard. Well today we have many people in the world who act like the ancient Greek and worship a myth. We erect

Zeus and God, both big white bearded men with famous offspring.

temples in the lord's name (churches), we turn historical events into stories about 'God,' we answer explain unexplainable questions with the answer "God," and we even have a story about how god mated with a human to create a half-god child. So folks, religion is nothing but mythology. In 2 more millenia, the bible will be a helluva read, much like a book on greek mythology is a helluva read today.

So these are the people who want to censor our book, ban our music, remove our video games, prolongue the horrid lives of the brain-dead etc. etc. But hey, the Evangelicals have never been wrong before, have they? Oh wait, they've been wrong on ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Anyways, I promise my next article will be funnier.

-Slappy

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July 17, 2005

By Hella Helgi

"Worst Pet Peeves aka. My Pet Peeve Peeves"

1. People who are annoyed by people who wear socks with sandals or slippers. Hey, what the heck is so wrong about wearing socks under sandals? Some people just need to keep their feet aerated and warm at the same time, is that such a crime? Sometimes people wanna just take off their shoes and put on their slippers when they get home, instead of the hassle of taking off their socks. You should be ashamed of yourself for having this as a pet peeve.

This doesn't bother me at all.

2.People who hate people who judge people. News Flash!, EVERYONE JUDGES EVERYONE. What do you think a first impression is? Hell your probably judging the author of this article right now you hypocrite! There is nothing at all wrong with judging people, so why do you hate it so much?

3. People who hate people who like cliche's and overused jokes. Some smarmy folks think it's such a bad think to keep beating the same dead horse over and over again. Why is it so? It became a cliche for a reason, and I'm sure there are some people in the world that are unaware of this cliche. Not everyone in the world knows what a domo-kun is, or who Mustard man is, or who Mosh Girl is, or Tourist Guy. I for one will not stop using these cliches until everyone knows who they are!

4. People who hate people that talk about you behind your backs. Face it, there is some aspect about you that others don't like. What should they do, ompletely ignore it?! Besides, if we didn't talk shit about people behind their backs, that cuts out like a good 10% of all our conversations. Everyone talks behind everyones back, it's another thing that is unavoidable, so why be annoyed by it?

Ashlee Simpson actually bothers me.

5. People who hate ditzy gals like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Ashlee Smpson, err actually it's okay to hate Ashlee Simpson. They're just doing their thing and making a healthy penny out of it too. Why should people hate them, when the hate should really be directed at tabloids, those crappy entertainment tonight shows, and people that give them too much attention. Hey, I'll bet if you could make lots of money by being a dumb slut I bet you'd do it, which leads me to the last one.

6. People who hate sluts in general. You know, I've been on a crusade to remove the negative connotation with the word slut. It should be a compliment, like for a dude being a pimp is a compliment. I see nothing wrong with a gal who loves a good 'gasming. Heck, sluts are even great fun to hang out with. I've also found that most gals that hate sluts are usually sluts themselves, which also by the way is NOT an insult! Sluttin' makes the world go 'round.

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July 16, 2005

"Pray for Omarion"

by Female A

"Ungh, yeah girl" *licks lips* "I want yo' body."

 

I hope everyone joins me in a solemn prayer to Omarion, who barely escaped the horrible bombing in London with his extremely important life. After the tragic bombings in London, Omarion wanted his fans to "pray that he had a safe trip and a safe return home," and that he "appreciated your support."Well Omarion, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

OMARION FACTS:

-He's about 5'3, a diminutive drow elf of a man.

-He was once part of B2K, a black R&B 'boy group' with one hit known as "Bump Bump Bump."

-He is know 20 years old

-His solo debut album is entitled "O". Get it? O is the first letter of Omarion, and O is also the first letter of the word "Orgasm."

-He is far more rich than a man of his 'stature' and talent deserves to be.

-He also asked for fans' prayers before when he had a throat surgery. "If his throat bleeds, he might not be able to sing again." That would be pure shame, now wouldn't it.

-He was in the movie "You Got Served."

"I'm Free!"

Everyone who has seen the movie "You Got Served," knows that's it's just another cheap remake done of an old white man's sitcom. The british comedy "Are you Being Served?," seemed to have much more subtle humor. Omarion's portrayel of the british comedy's equivalent and ambiguously gay "Mr. Humphries," was almost likeable!

Other similar 'white to black' remakes include "The Honeymooners," starring Cedric "The Extremely Unentertaining," "Catwoman," starring Halle 'overrated' Barry, and "Guess Who" starring Ashton "MILF hunter" Kutcher and Bernie Mac (I actually kinda like Bernie Mac).

Where were we? Oh yes, Omarion. We'll make sure all of our prayers are headed your direction, after all, why pray for people already dead right? Pray for the living, especially the ones that make such a huge impact like Omarion has. Anyway, if you didn't get the sarcasm in the rest of the article, the moral of the story is "Screw Omarion and his tiny little body."

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July 15, 2005

"Get a Brain, Morans!"

By this guy

Hey all your brainless antiwar morans. Guess what, GET A BRAIN. I guess the donkey is you're mascot because your all JACKASSES. I guess you don't mind being bombed by BIN LADEN you morans. Real men like me dont mind going to war to protect even you're IDOITIC BELEIF'S. Its pussys like you that root for the terrorists. Don't deny it. MOVE TO CANADA were you can have you're stinking GAY MARIAGES and ABORTOINS. That way all us smart people can stay here loving out country while all you morans can sniff our patroitic ASSES. I stand by my country and mean it when I say GO USA. Were the best country in the world, and God in our side. Not Budda, and not Alla. I support our president because he beleives in FAMILY VALUES. Guess what morans, that means growing up with a mother and a father, not two gay dads. If I had my way, we've take over the whole middle east and name it UNITED STATES OF THE MIDDLE EAST. They'll be like Porter Rico, just another state that can be our BITCH. You liberal morans know nothing about saving lives, just killing them. You want all the stem-cell to kill all of our unborn kids. You MURDARERS ARE NO BETTER THEN AL QUIDA. Maybe you jackasses will learn when you wake up one day in hell, because Jesus Christ in on MY side, not on you're side, you liberal morans.

GO USA!

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July 14, 2005

updated by Hella Helgi

"The Worst Batting Stances"

Craig Counsell Yes, this guy actually bats like he wants a large inmate to rape him. All limbs stretching in all directions; it really hasn't done this child much good. All this stance can possibly serve to do is to enrage the pitcher into either beaning him in the face, or get distracted. Craig Counsell is more of a violin player than a baseball player, with a pathetic 25 home runs his entire career (which spans 10 years). This is truly the worst batting stance that I have ever seen in history. ABSOLUTE WORST BATTING STANCE WINNER

Gary Sheffield Nark, deviant, complainer, racist, childish, steroid abuser, and liar are just several of the many unfirnedly adjectives used to describe Gary Sheffield, and that's before we even look sat his erratic batting stance. He's waving that stick around like moths are swarming in his face, and then bring the bat down across the plate with a ridiculously huge step and swings hard enough to break his elbows (which has happened). This unlikeable fellow blames his steroid use on Barry Bonds, and contends that Jose Canseco is a victim of racism. MOST HATED BALLPLAYER WINNER

Tony Batista This is a picture of his batting stance, not him getting ready to walk into the batter box. That's right, he wants the pitcher to bean his crotch. He also holds the bat out in front of him as if he was some sort of low level samurai in training. I'm not even sure if he's playing baseball anymore. They say with an open stance like this it helps him see that ball, then why the heck is his career batting average .250? Most Down-Syndrome-ish Batting Stance Winner

Jeff Bagwell His batting stance is so embarrassing, it seems like the only images of him online are after he hits the ball. The only accurate representation of his batting stance was a toy. This stance is a full crotch in your face stance. So far does he spread his legs that his uniforms are made extra baggy so the seams don't tear after every at bat. In Bagwell's defense, he has put up hall of fame number with this stance. On the other side, he's been plagued by groin injuries his whole career... I wonder why. Best Career with A Shitty Stance Winner

The next three aren't batting stances, but batting ideosyncarcies that just tick me off.

Nomar Garciaparra This fragile ballplayer, once a Boston fan favorite now a Cubbies curse, has one of the most annoying rituals before he steps to the plate. First he tightens his batting gloves for 20 second to the point that you wonder if he can feel his fingers. Then, he'll tap his toes on the ground as he moves the bat toward the pitcher about 12 times. After hitting the ball, he usually get injured. We're not talkin' a tender hamstring or something, we're talkin' about a half the season tear. Nomar is also a player in which steroid abuse is whispered, and the injuries are most likely related. The "Injured Again?!" Winner

Sammy Sosa That little hop he does after he hits a home run pisses me off. Especially since I've seen many instances where he does that hop and it results in a long pop fly out. It's sad that a skinny guy suddenly gets enormous, after his forehead triples in size, suddenly becomes one of baseball most prolific hitters, only to fall to a corked bat, a beanball to the helmet, and horrendously shrinking numbers (which match his shrinking physical stature as baseballs steroid rules have toughened). The Cheater Award Winner

Left handed female softball players Don't get me wrong, I mildly enjoyed watching women's softball when there was absolutely nothing else on TV, but there was this one thing that every single left handed hitter did that bugged me. They wouldn't swing the goddamn bat!!! They'd start running to first, stick their bat out, and 90% of the time, completely miss the ball! They'd be 5-7 steps to first by the time they realized the ball did not make contact with their bat! It's like they know they can't hit the ball out of the infield so they just try to nick and beat out a grounder. I was a much bigger fan of the larger woman who would sit back, smack the ball and then decide if they needed to run or not. These players that bugged me were reminiscent of an Ichiro, if Ichiro batted .067. The "We Can Really Do Much Better" Award Winners

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