July 13, 2005

updated by Slappy McGee

"Assessing Emoticons"

Autobots, Decepticons, Dinobots, Insecticons, Constructicons, and Emoticons?!?! I am fairly certain that emoticons are just spies sent from the future that is the Transformers universe to spy on us. There's 12 of them, which means they outnumber Dinobots and Constructicons, however the 12 emoticons cannot combine to create some sort of ultimate Emoticon. Now, as I grade these Emoticons, realize that I am devoid of human emotion.

1. The Classic Smile :)

Assessment: Can't say anything too bad about this one as even I have occasionally used it. I give it a B-.

In a sentence: "<3 <3 <3 LOLZ! :)"

2. The Sunglasses Smile B)

Assessment: The first out of the emoticon I really despise. First off, you're indoors, why in the devil's name are you wearing sunglasses. Some would say this one is for normal glasses, but last I checked, contact lenses had been invented. D-

In a sentence: "In deciding if I should go to the E3 convention or Def Con, I figured, why not do both! B)"

3. The Huge Obnoxious Smile : D

Assessment: Personally, I like this one. You can say almost anything offensive and with the huge obnoxious smile at the end, no one can truly be offended. A-

In a sentence: "They say taking showers causes brain damage. If that's the case, then Terry Schiavo is the cleanest woman in the world :D"

4. The Confusing Tongue : P

Assessment: Ok, this one confuses me a great deal. Does this one mean you're being goofy, or does it mean you're pooped, or disappointed??. I honestly do not know, but then again, I never use this farce of an emoticon. D+

In a sentence: "*sigh* Turns out she wasn't really a model "

5. The Angel 0: )

Assessment: This one really makes me wanna stand up, put both my thumbs down and boo it. You realized only internet creep-bags and 13 year girls use this one. F

In a sentence: "A/S/L? I'm 31/M/Wisconsin."

"I'm 13/F/Maryland."

"Oh yeah, I'm 13 too, typo LOL " *

*I even creeped myself out with this one.- Slappy

6. The Hot Chick : x

Assessment: I know it's supposed to be kiss, but just look at her. She definitely the only emoticon I'd have sex with. What them big ol' lips and Marilyn Monroe-esque mole, and them well manicured eyebrow. This emoticon is hot folks! A+

In a sentence: "I slowly lift my shirt over my shoulders, and sensuously peck your neck "

7. The Concerned Look : /

Assessment: This is one of the few emoticons that I can say without having any words accompanying it. Like if someone tells me a terrible story about something that happened to them, and I want to convey sympathy without putting the effort into saying anything, I use this one! B+

In a sentence: other person "Yeah, and I found out that the accident was my fault even though I'm the one who ended up with 4 broken ribs."

me:""

8. The WTF?!?! :$

Assessment: What the hell is this emoticon? I have no idea what it means nor do I really want to know what it means. This is the one emoticon that the creators were thinking, "Well we have 11, we need one more to make it an even 12.... How about a Dollar sign?" "Genius Dr. Parsons!" F-

In a sentence: "FUK U, SUK MY DIK, U FERRY. WHER U LIVE SO I CAN KIK UR ASS "

9. The Foot in Mouth : ? (?)

Assessment: Here's one that you never ever want to use, ever. If you accidentally say something offensive or something you deem "foot in mouth," just use #3, The Obnoxious Smile. D-

In a sentence: Me - "ROFLMAO."

other person - "She's dead now."

Me - ""

10. The Sad Face :(

Assessment: This emoticon makes me wanna point at the person and mockingly scream "WAAAAAH." However, similar to the concerned look, you can put this emoticon to convey a sense of sympathy, especially when you have none. C-

In a sentence: "I only have 5 comment on my myspace. "

: O

11. The Wrong Hole Face

Assessment: I guess you're supposed to be shocked or surprised by this one, similar to the face one gets when something goes in the wrong hole. I never use this one as I am never shocked or appalled. C

In a Sentence: "36? R U JOKING? "

12. The Crybaby :`(

Assessment: Well boo-frickin-hoo, cry me a river. The only use I can think of this one is a cruel cruel joke or hoax. B-

In a sentence: other person "umm... let's not, that's disgusting"

me: ""

So there you have it. Emoticons are for the most part bad, but they have their uses. 'Til next time.

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